Shout-out to Peter Chao

Herro Peter Chao. Jones Hewitt and Herman Carson here.

Gung hay fat choy you fucking gook. You Cantonese. You not Chinese. You trash. We Chinese. Jones Africanese. Herman Germanese. Go back to Cana-Canton.

All jokes aside, we're big fans of your work. You a funny mudafucka. We ruv some Taylor Swift and Mirey Cyrus ass. Fuck Fred and that asshole Justin Bieber. Trash outside mudafucka!

PSA: Public Restrooms

There is no cure for AIDS. Abortion is the cure for pregnancy. You obviously don't want that. Avoid these dilemmas by shitting in public restrooms properly and safely. Herman Carson presents a Public Service Announcement: how to shit in a public restroom without getting AIDS or impregnated. Fully tested and Centers for Disease Control and Prevention approved.

Step 1: Check surroundings for foreign materials. Wipe away liquids (piss, semen, blood). If there are shit smears change stalls. If there are no other stalls, you're going to have to do aerobics (bend your knees and hold your ass over the toilet). There's a reason they call it shit. Don't touch.
Step 2: Take 2 toilet seat covers and throw them into the bowl. This is to prevent free falling shit from getting your ass cheeks all wet. Tons of toilet roll paper are substitutable.
Step 3: Lay a cover over the seat making sure no porcelain is visible. If there were previously some foreign liquids, layer multiple seat covers. At least 2 layers of toilet paper are substitutable. If none of these are available, you will have to do aerobics.
Step 4: Take a shit. Self-explanatory.
Step 5: Wipe your asshole until satisfactory. Wipe once and throw away. Who cares about wasting. It ain't yours.
Step 6: Flush standing up by kicking the lever or don't, and get the fuck out.

Oh yeah wash your fucking hands, with soap. You just took a shit. Nasty.

Assholic Employees

What the fuck happened to your customer service nowadays? I had the shittiest experience today at my neighborhood liquor store. This was my first time there and it sucked major dick! First off, I was followed throughout my entire visit by an employee. I'm black. There were five other customers and I was the only one being tailgated. Do the math. It's fuckin' racism. As I was looking through products, I turned when I heard the employee give a cough.

Employee: Can I help you, sir?
Me: Can you?
Employee: Well?
Me: Uh...yeah, fine, do you know where the Hostess Twinkies are?
Employee: I'll give you a "Twinkie".

OK. What the fuck was that? Is that how you treat a customer? Are you hitting on me, you homo? Well, this brother don't swing that way. Shit, I didn't want to come out of that store empty-handed so I decided to purchase something. I bought a pack of Marlboro cigarettes, some gum, and Axe deodorant. Now, I thought I could just leave and it's all good. Fuck if I'll ever come back here again.

I met the manager. He rung me up. He looked like one of your stereotypical Al-Qaeda members, complete with a turban atop his head. I don't got a problem with that, no sir, but it wasn't until I found out what a douchebag this mofo was.

Manager: Your total comes to $8.50.
Me: (reaches into pocket pulling out my wallet) Ah here. (pulls out a clean brand-new twenty)
Manager: This is your change (hands me $1.50.)
Me: Hey! I gave you a twenty. I'm sure of it.
Manager: No, I know you gave me a $10 (pulls out a shitty looking $10). This was yours.
Me: Look man, I don't want to start shit, but I know I gave you a twenty. That was all I had.
Manager: Look, asshole, this is yours (shakes the $10).
Me: Look, Muhammad, I know for a goddamn fact I gave you $20. Now you trying to rip me off, Kumar. I don't think so. I will not be shortchanged by you, Saddam Hussein.
Manager: You need to leave.

This story ends with me getting shown the door by two employees and not getting my money back by this Allahu Akbar yelling character. Old Osama Bin Laden pulled a fast one on me. Fucking terrorist piece of monkey shit trash made off with an extra ten. They should be locked up in Guantanamo where they belong. Also, that asshole employee never showed me where the Twinkies were at. Has this bullshit ever happened to you before? Comment below!

Note: Dear reader who may be of the same religion/race as the asshole who jacked me. When I write that shit up on Aladdin there, please do not take offense, as I do not have a problem with you. Random offensive words usually occur in times of anger. Fuck him.

My First Documented Shit

Today marked a groundbreaking date in defecation lore. My afternoon shit wasn't just any shit. A motherfucking ribbon cutting ceremony was arranged although I was the only person in attendance. Shit went down.

Rabbit shit to be exact. See the Shit Dictionary for complete details. Fuck me senseless. It was hard to ease out. The shit was halfway out my ass, so I couldn't bail. I ended up having to use my Zen style technique that summoned Buddha to pull it out of my ass. Cross-legged and calm, it naturally fell out of my asshole. Several consecutive and continuous plops into the toilet, and there you have it. Normal color hue. Solid clumps. Nothing out of the ordinary.

There's a first for everything. Danke shit.

Dream No. 2

If you thought my first dream was weird, you should wait till you read this one! I went to bed after coming down from some really good purple weed and some salvia.

I woke up to find myself in an arcade and there was a sign that promoted a new game. It was one of those games in a booth, you know, like the ones in Dave & Busters and it was really flashy. Many kids wanted to get on it, except there was a bouncer. The bouncer said I could go in first and told the other people to go fuck off. It was really strange, it was a booth with a huge fucking screen. Beneath the screen was a hole that said [insert the penis in here]. I did and the game began. It was a sex game and pretty much it's a sexual simulator. On screen you get to select the girl you're fucking and you can see the whole thing, almost like if you were fucking the real thing (something inside the hole worked like a water bed and a massage chair). A fucking wet dream, man, except I didn't nut. Which is good, cause I don't want no cummy sheets.

Waking up, I felt there were something wrong with the dream. Many things actually. For starters, why did I insert my penis into the machine? It could have been a trap. Would I have done it in real life? No, no I wouldn't, I know what's been in there. Number 2, why did the bouncer let me in, of all people? Does it look like the Jones Hewitt couldn't get pussy? Well, fuck me, that's the last time I'm going to bed right after smoking some purp.

Shit Dictionary

corn on the crap Undigested corn kernels, uniformly in rows, poke out from the turd.
dingleberry Shit cemented on the tips of ass hairs. Appearance of berries on a bush.
dookie A skinless turd. A normal shit has a shell on the outside.
gay phallus A sharp shit that cuts up your asshole, dying the turd red with blood. Like a penis was inserted into your asshole, causing it to bleed.
ghost shit Turns out wiping wasn't necessary. Did you even take a shit?
grumpy Shit that emits a toxic stank. Submersion has minimal effect to subdue fumes.
Lincoln log A turd so stiff and long, Abraham Lincoln himself could use it to build a cabin.
rabbit shit Little balls of shit that don't stay together because you didn't eat enough fiber.
rocky road Bumpy and lumpy.
shart [Shit - it + fart - f.] A fart that results in liquid shit. Syn. wet fart.
shat Past tense of shit.
soggy shit Very watery diarrhea that trickles down your ass cheeks.
splatter shit Diarrhea that nukes the toilet bowl. A bitch to wipe clean.
straggler A speck of shit lost from the herd that clings onto your asshole (see DINGLEBERRY).
thumper A shit that was farted out. Typically accompanied by a stench.

Being an asshole is a lifestyle AND a hobby

Today I pushed a middle schooler for fun. The middle schooler in question, Gaylord, happened to be holding a cup of Coca Cola, which spilled all over his brand new sweatshirt. Now, it may be sad that an eighteen year old black male blogs about pushing a prepubescent Asian causing him to have to wash a new article of clothing, but I tell you, this "me being a dick" is completely justified. I remember it like it was yesterday...

(Three years ago, in a cabin in Lake Tahoe)

Me: Fuck, when can we go snowboarding?
Herman: Tomorrow, nigga, common sense!

(A snowball whizzed by my ear, grazing my cornrows)

Me: What tha fuck was that?!

(Another snowball barely hits me in the face)

Gaylord: Hey Jones! Herman! Faggots!
Herman: What's his problem?
Me: Hey dipshit! Cut that gay shit out!
Gaylord: Fuck you! (rolls a snowball, causing me and Herman to run)

(That night, while Gaylord was in his room on the computer, me and Herman snuck a snowball into the cabin)

Me: Fuck you! (throws the snowball)

(Gaylord, being a gook, dodges it like gooks are supposed to and it smacks his clean new laptop)

Herman: Fuck.
Gaylord: BITCHESSS!

For some reason, flight not fight kicked in, and not wanting to beat the shit out of a fifth grader, me and Herman hauled our motherfucking asses out of fuck's sight. With Gaylord in hot pursuit, Herman and I slammed the door shut. Minutes later we heard a banging of the door with a chair. Long story short, somehow that asshole calmed down and we regarded him as a little bitch then.

Needless to say, it was not my fault. It was this little prick chucking snowballs at me for being black. The shove was three years in the making. In fact, I'm not the douche.

Shit Talk...Literally

Mission Statement

This column is dedicated to the biological process every human being must endure. What goes in must come out. Think of it as the daily chronicles of Herman Carson defecation. Why is this necessary? Because it's funny. Taking a dump is the closest thing to child birth in my opinion. Big or small, shitting is always stressful, and in order to alleviate the pain, each dropping of a number two must be accounted for.

Shit Dictionary Forward

This handy reference guide defines basic terminology used to accurately and explicitly describe the art of defecation. Continuously under development as each and every toilet run has the potential to discover new species of shit. Bookmark it.

Tiramisu made from sweat and blood

I was over at my cousin Herman's house when his older sister, Tiffany Jr. snapped at me bitchily to make a tiramisu. I was intending on playing Resident Evil 4 on GameCube instead of working in what we like to call "Tiff's Sweat Shop". Apparently, Tiffany Jr. has been bragging to her friends that she could make a killer tiramisu. When she got off the phone with her friends, she automatically put me and Herman to work while she sat at the couch eating chocolate chip cookies that I helped her bake a few minutes earlier. When I uttered that I do not consent to help make the tiramisu, she gave me a spine shattering punch to the shoulder that nearly dislocated it. It hurt like hell. Herman, on the other hand, was a bitch, and instantly got on to working the tiramisu with no sense of self-respect. When I finally realized the battle against my civil liberties could not be won, I started working and Tiffany Jr. had the nerve to make criticism about my cooking which was beautiful because I am taking a cooking class at a culinary college. At 4 o' clock, she took the tiramisu and I remember something like this.

Me: Can I have some of the tiramisu that I made?
Tiffany Jr.: Fuck no. That tiramisu is for my friends at the party. You don't get any. You don't even get the 8 cents the people working in China get. Fuck you.
Me: But I made it!

Her friends thought it was delicious. What hurts the most was me, being a great cook, did not even get to sample my own masterpiece. Damn you, Tiffany Jr.

Irony is a bitch

I went against my better judgment today, and I need to vent. So here it goes.

I worked 8 am to 2 pm today. Yeah I know, I should have taken a break the day after graduation. Irony is a bitch. After work, as I was walking towards my car in the parking lot, a man approached me and asked if I had just gotten off work. I said yeah, so he said that he needed to get to Livermore and that he was harmless and all that bullshit. He wasn’t a shady, suspicious looking character. His profile? A white 30 something short, meaty male who was wearing sunglasses, a plaid, collared shirt, khaki shorts, and sneakers. If something went wrong in broad daylight, I thought I could take him. I was reluctant at first because I didn’t want to waste my gas, so I told him I wasn’t going that way because I lived in here. He countered by saying that I didn’t have to go all the way, so I gave in. I wanted to be a Good Samaritan.

He said I would only have to go two exits on the Interstate. [Well guess what dumbfuck? Two exits is three fucking miles. I might as well go all the way.] It was as hotter than Africa in my car, so I lowered the windows and put the air conditioning on low. And that son of a bitch had the nerve to turn it up a notch. [You didn't just touch my goddamn air conditioning switch! Don't you ever touch an Asian man's air conditioning switch, boy!]

He started a conversation by asking if I was from China. I didn’t want to talk. [You speak when spoken to.] I got offended and responded through gritted teeth. It was my turn to ask. [Where are you from? The United States of America? Don't ever assume anything. Just ask "where are you from?" and everybody's cool.] He said San Diego. I asked him if he lived in Livermore. He said no because he was from San Diego. He proceeded to ask what the highways like in Taiwan. [What the fuck? What kind of fucking subject is this to talk about?]. I thought about what to say for a moment and said not much different. He asked how fast the speed limit was. I responded that I didn’t know since it was in kilometers [And since I didn't know how to convert kilometers to miles, I couldn't compare because dumbass America chose not to use the metric system when the rest of the world did].

As I made my way to Livermore, he said to drop him off at a hotel. I asked him why a hotel? Does he need to make a phone call? He said he needed to get a room, and this is when I became suspicious. Nothing made sense. He’s by himself. He doesn’t live here apparently. He needs a room. What the fuck is going on?

As I was exiting, he said in a smooth, nonchalant, and annoying voice without any pauses between his sentences, “I need to get a room. I’m going to need a credit card. Do you have a credit card? I’m going to need your credit card and number. I will pay you back in cash. Don’t worry, I’m not a scammer. I won’t use your credit card number for anything else.” Before he spoke and as he was speaking, he was counting a wad of cash, which made it even more irritating after. [Why didn't you call someone? How about a cab? Why don't you offer to pay me for bringing you here you fuckface. You have the fucking money.] However, I stopped listening at needing my credit card. I coolly said that I didn’t have a credit card, and as I drove across the bridge I said I needed to make this quick since I needed to get somewhere. I just wanted him out of my car. He abruptly said okay and told me to drop him off on the bridge “to make it easier for me to return.” What the fuck? This is how I knew he was a douchebag. A victim sans a credit card was useless to him, and he had no more business to do with me.

Worst scammer ever. Who the fuck does he think he is? Why the fuck did he make me go all the way to fucking Livermore? There’s plenty of fucking hotels here, but that’s not the point. He didn’t even have to bring up the part about not being a scammer. I knew what the fuck was going on. This motherfucker tried to take advantage of me. I just hope no one else fell into his gay ass trap. Fuck him.

He wasted 20 precious Saturday minutes of my life round trip, which is priceless and a half gallon of gas, which will be $2.50 by the time I fill up again. If I see him again, I will beat his ass (read: call the cops). Be sure to look for the post entitled “Karma is a bitch” later.

In the aftermath, I had a few thoughts. My car’s passenger door lock routinely breaks and fixes itself. This time it was broken, so when I unlocked all of my car’s doors, only the passenger door did not unlock, so he could not have gotten into my car. I should have driven off with my middle finger out the window. I wanted to get out of the car and beat him up so badly, but better safe than sorry.

There were so many questions to ask him. Did your car break? Why don’t you call a cab, your wife, a family member, a friend? Do you even have a family? Does your wife and your kids know how you make a living? How does it feel to be an unemployed, lying piece of shit at the bottom of society?

I had trouble driving with my large sugar free vanilla ice coffee in hand, so he offered to hold it. His fat ass fingers touching my large sugar free vanilla ice coffee. Unacceptable. Whenever I drive my car and look across to the passenger seat, I will remember that a fag once sat there. Good thing I’m off to college at the end of summer, and I won’t be driving my car around as much anymore.

What a fucking asshole.

[Commentary]

Dream No. 1

I had a crazy dream last night. I've never cussed that much in real life.

I was at Burger King with my cousin to take a piss and buy a cherry Slurpee because we came back from visiting UC Berkeley. My cousin folded up the table for the next customer to come. I was heading for the door when..."You forgot to throw out your trash," a middle aged blond woman said to me. "Bitch, please." I replied. "Fuck you, I didn't even eat here." The woman suddenly snapped back at me, "Yes, you did you liar!" I turned around. "Goddamnit you fucking bitch, no I fucking didn't eat here. Did I fucking eat here? No. So shut your fucking bitch mouth." The bitch pointed at a Chinese take-out box. "This is your fried rice, asshole. Where am I supposed to sit when your fucking garbage is in my place?" I flipped her off with both middle fingers and waved them around. "Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck YOU*!" I exclaimed. My parents and my aunt and uncle came into Burger King for some reason and overheard my conversation to the stupid whore. I was cussing her out even when I left the restaurant. My uncle went to the window of the door and closed his ears, meaning he wanted me to stop cussing. I overheard my dad apologizing to the stupid bitch in Burger King. As my family left the restaurant, my dad asked "what the hell is wrong with you?" as my aunt and uncle and mother gave me disapproving looks. "That fucking cunt tried to make me throw away trash that wasn't even mine!" My cousin muttered, " It was your trash!" "Fuck no!" I replied. "The last time I was at Burger King was 2 hours ago and I ordered a fucking BURGER. Who fucking takes Chinese food to Burger King anyways?" My uncle asked, " Maybe it was yours from 2 hours ago." "Bullshit!" I replied. "There are janitors working at Burger King. Even if it was mine, they'd have thrown it away by now!"

I have no idea what the fuck that dream was all about, but I feel like I won that one. I'm not cleaning up for no stupid bitches, especially shit that isn't even mine.

* No idea what this was supposed to mean.

Mission Statement

The sole purpose of this leisure blog is simply to make money. Our deep distaste of trash as a source of entertainment is an afterthought.