PSA: Public Restrooms

There is no cure for AIDS. Abortion is the cure for pregnancy. You obviously don't want that. Avoid these dilemmas by shitting in public restrooms properly and safely. Herman Carson presents a Public Service Announcement: how to shit in a public restroom without getting AIDS or impregnated. Fully tested and Centers for Disease Control and Prevention approved.

Step 1: Check surroundings for foreign materials. Wipe away liquids (piss, semen, blood). If there are shit smears change stalls. If there are no other stalls, you're going to have to do aerobics (bend your knees and hold your ass over the toilet). There's a reason they call it shit. Don't touch.
Step 2: Take 2 toilet seat covers and throw them into the bowl. This is to prevent free falling shit from getting your ass cheeks all wet. Tons of toilet roll paper are substitutable.
Step 3: Lay a cover over the seat making sure no porcelain is visible. If there were previously some foreign liquids, layer multiple seat covers. At least 2 layers of toilet paper are substitutable. If none of these are available, you will have to do aerobics.
Step 4: Take a shit. Self-explanatory.
Step 5: Wipe your asshole until satisfactory. Wipe once and throw away. Who cares about wasting. It ain't yours.
Step 6: Flush standing up by kicking the lever or don't, and get the fuck out.

Oh yeah wash your fucking hands, with soap. You just took a shit. Nasty.