The kid who smelled like shit

Just cause I mention shit, doesn't mean that the article is going to be categorized under Shit Talk...Literally. Nope, indeed. This here's not even about the extraordinary process of defecation, so it isn't a "Shit Story" either. I'm just going to shit talk this kid back in middle school who made me want to vomit profusely ala Family Guy whenever I got wind of his presence.

Let me begin this by having an orderly discussion about the properties of the substance we call shit. The food and drink that goes into your mouth and eventually out your ass encounters some biological processes along the way. Nothing fancy happens until the stomach where acid dissolves the shit into mulch. Everyone has thrown up before and knows the taste of that nasty hydrochloric acid shit in your mouth. After that shit's done, then the intestines suck the nutrients and water out of the mulch turning it into shit. The human body doesn't want what's left, so it expels the foul waste. Naturally it smells terrible. What all those digestive enzymes did to that pile of shit is unspeakable.

Now for the background of the nasal perpetrator, specifically his body mass index. The person in question was and is a fat ass. Fat people smell bad. Nothing new here. Oh but there's something new here, motherfucking shit. S-H-I-T, shit, clear? And you don't like and want to smell shit. So why in the fuck does this kid smell like shit? Did he step in dog shit? Nope. Did he just take a shit? Nope. Did he shit himself? Nope. Then what's the fucking problem here? This smell is almost indescribable. Rotting shit, if there's even such thing. No, it's not like it smells like sticking your nose into freshly shat shit, but I must say it comes pretty close with a touch of sourness. My theory is that his ass cheeks are to chubby. After he takes a shit and tries to wipe, he doesn't get all the way in there. Subsequently, there's dried up shit lodged up in his fat ass crack. Time passes by and the build up continues after each and every dump. Shit out water times a hundred. Dried up shit out of water can't be toned down. This is just a theory however. To this day, I don't know and may never know how the fuck this came to be.

People at school began to notice. I was the first and co-founded two coalitions to raise awareness and combat the dangers of shit, GRASS and MOSS. Before you say anything, no this ain't no tree hugging shit organizations. I like the smell of grass better than the stank of shit. I like the scent of moss better than the stank of shit. Fuck Greenpeace. No one knew what the fuck global warming was. No one even gave a fuck. Anyway, GRASS stood for Gross Rectal Ass Sanitation System and MOSS for Multiple Orifice Sanitation Society respectively. Me and Sam rallied supporters and boycotted and participated in sit-ins and organized hunger strikes. On an overnight school field trip in which me and Sam were forced into submission by rooming with said kid. He took a shower, and he still smelled like shit for fuck's sake! My theory was becoming law. The situation was so dire that we even made a rap song to get the message out. Innocent lives were at stake here.

The kid just thought we were making fun of him.