The Trash Blog was conceived on Christmas Day 2009. A longtime brainchild of Jones Hewitt combined with the previously failed blogging attempts of Herman Carson, The Trash Blog represented, symbolized everything they were. The first post, the mission statement read as follows: The sole purpose of this leisure blog is simply to make money. Our deep distaste of trash as a source of entertainment is an afterthought. Jones and Herman wanted to get money, get paid by demeaning and condescending others, everything they aspired to be.
Fast forward to February 22, 2010. After a week of break due to being shit for screwed, Jones and Herman returned to The Trash Blog only to see that its Google AdSense was disabled a week earlier. They fired off a quick appeal to Google just to see it be denied hours later.
Fast forward to now...
What the fuck? What the fuck? Fuck you. Son of a motherfucking cunt bitch. You bitch ass motherfuckers got your panties in a bunch after that little bitchfest on Valentine's Day. So hurt like a bitch that you threw together a mini revolt to click on ads a million motherfucking times to fuck us over. Fuck you. Oh play innocent, like you don't know what the fuck's going on. We'll tell you what the fuck's going on. Up yours you faggot-fucking shit-packing motherfucking dipshit. Suck yourself you fucking piece of worthless, throw away, useless, waste of space, waste of air, waste of a human being, waste of life, waste of resources, waste of our time fatherfucking trash. We know what you did you queer-fucking asshole-wrecking no good piece of shit. You clicked on our ads a fucking million fucking times to get all up in Google's ass to fucking ban us. You hurt us, not on the inside you fag, but our wallets, our motherfucking bottom line. Our fucking money, our fucking mission statement. You tree trunk piece of ass, preejaculating piece of dickshit. Fuck everything about you. Jones was this fucking close to donating $20 to Haiti. Twice what most people are giving. $20 more than what you didn't give you sacks of shits. How does that make you feel to deny Haitians life? That's fucking messed up. You should be ashamed of yourself. So shamed that you should fucking kill yourself. Jump in front of a train. Get your fucking body sawed in mutilated unclean halves. We want to see your fucking intestines burst out. We want to see a fucking white blanket over your dead ass, a fucking body bag. Eat dick and die. No one is going to give a shit. Even your cock's not going to give a shit. The world could use less humans to fuck up the earth. You dying will save like a million fucking trees, reform the fucking ozone layer, and there will be one less fucking car on the road. Thank fucking you. We want you to read this whole entire fucking letter. Don't stop here you fucking half-assed little fucker. We're not done with your punk gay ass.
What is the definition of trash? Trash is a very popular insult in Asian culture, and we feel we need to spread the hate. Trash means that no one cares about you. You're a sad, worthless, invaluable, junk, throw away, stepped upon, push over, no good, expired, abandoned, good for nothing, inferior, insignificant, meaningless, mediocre, miserable, negligible, nothing, pointless, trivial, unessential, unimportant, waste of everything in fucking existence, shit, fucker, ass, bitch, asshole, bastard, cunt, faggot, fag, homo, queer, gay, dumbfuck, stupidfuck, shitfuck, assfuck, bitchfuck, bitch ass, gay ass, homo ass, queer ass, faggot ass, fuck ass, shit ass, hook ass, cocksucking, dicksuck, penis-pleasing, gay queer homo faggot fag motherfucker all in one.
Youse trash.
Written by Herman Carson. Approved by Jones Hewitt.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Fuck You
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, and fuck you. We're out.
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Sunday, February 14, 2010
Valentine's Day/Chinese New Year Special
"We know this is going to be Herman's valentine!" says Jones. "Naw, just fucking with you all. You witless fucks. Yeah, you dick-groper; I bet your valentine is a dildo, vibrator, anal beads, or another dude, you fucking faggot. Yeah, everyone knows you probably like hard anal probes up your cock-up-you faggot ass you sick scrotum-caressing homo shitfuck. You asshole-tearing fags are just a bunch of cum-sipping, cock-riding, motherfucking queers and my recommendations for what you fucks can do today is for you shit-packing dicksuckers to stop acting a fucking fool and to go fuck your-dumbass-selves."
Herman concurs and adds, "Fuck you guys. Gong Hay Fat Choy and Sukku My Dikku...uh yeh...what Jones said."
Anyways, we the editors here at The Trash Blog want you to go fuck yourselves today regardless of what day it is, you worthless trash. No one loves you, except for a guy and maybe your homosexual dads. And you sure as hell ain't going to get the lucky red envelope you cocksuckers. Time to start those New Year's resolutions over cause God fucking knows you already done fucked up. Yeah your New Year's resolution was to turn straight. Now your lunar New Year's resolution is to stay and remain a fag and get some gay ass. You guys are pieces of shit. We also want to tell you fucks that we are having a week-long vacation for school. After that, we'll be back to posting two articles a day, 7 days a week. We have our dates to finish pleasing, so yeah, fuck you guys. Yeah, we can be assholes and still get the pussy, unlike you fucks, who are just assholes and just end up with man-ass. But we will allow you to continue reading our articles during our hiatus, don't you feel bad for the screwing over the Haitians?
Herman concurs and adds, "Fuck you guys. Gong Hay Fat Choy and Sukku My Dikku...uh yeh...what Jones said."
Anyways, we the editors here at The Trash Blog want you to go fuck yourselves today regardless of what day it is, you worthless trash. No one loves you, except for a guy and maybe your homosexual dads. And you sure as hell ain't going to get the lucky red envelope you cocksuckers. Time to start those New Year's resolutions over cause God fucking knows you already done fucked up. Yeah your New Year's resolution was to turn straight. Now your lunar New Year's resolution is to stay and remain a fag and get some gay ass. You guys are pieces of shit. We also want to tell you fucks that we are having a week-long vacation for school. After that, we'll be back to posting two articles a day, 7 days a week. We have our dates to finish pleasing, so yeah, fuck you guys. Yeah, we can be assholes and still get the pussy, unlike you fucks, who are just assholes and just end up with man-ass. But we will allow you to continue reading our articles during our hiatus, don't you feel bad for the screwing over the Haitians?
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Sexy and Hot
What's the difference? Sexy is always hot, but hot is not always sexy. My definition is as follows: Sexy is gorgeous, and hot is cute. Now this is all a matter of personal taste, my humble opinion, so eat a dick if you don't agree. And now some examples to give you a more vivid picture of what I'm talking about, the as aforementioned Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus. These two bitches (too harsh?) are the sex symbols of this generation. I think I read somewhere that Taylor Swift doesn't want anyone to think of her naked. Well too fucking bad. Then you shouldn't have been a singer or a girl. However, I don't consider them stunning, sexy, personally. They're hot but just cute. What? Here at The Trash Blog, we are critics of 6 select categories based on looks: face, breasts, stomach, butt, legs, and body. I don't want to go into details, but it's mainly face that determines sexy or hot. They look too young, underdeveloped. In Miley Cyrus' case, she's not even legal yet. A bonus category not based on looks would be voice. Her voice is a little too low while Taylor Swift has a nice and light voice. Even after all that, I wouldn't mind tapping that, given that she's legal. I'm 19, talking about college girls or young 20s. High school age is gone, past, I'm not and shouldn't even be looking at them. Pedophiles are sick, preying on 14 year olds. Man, they aren't even developed yet. What the fuck is wrong with you? Sick old fucks thinking that a young girl would like their ugly asses. Oh you're going to get laid all right, just in fucking jail by fucking grown ass big men. Sorry I've been watching too many episodes of To Catch a Predator.
Now sexy is supermodel hot, like Victoria's Secret models. Not naming any names because that's like all of them. They show off their bodies a lot more, which is a plus. That could possibly factor into why I think they're hotter than cute. They're models. They're supposed to be pretty. Celebrities don't necessarily have to be pretty, but they do get farther if they're that noticeably hotter than the rest.
Knowing that I can't get any of these mentioned above, that's why we have the Sexy Bitches column. Everyday bitches around town, in the streets, in our lives. They're either gorgeous or cute, or just no or fugly, fucking ugly, which we sure as hell won't mention here for fuck's sake.
Now sexy is supermodel hot, like Victoria's Secret models. Not naming any names because that's like all of them. They show off their bodies a lot more, which is a plus. That could possibly factor into why I think they're hotter than cute. They're models. They're supposed to be pretty. Celebrities don't necessarily have to be pretty, but they do get farther if they're that noticeably hotter than the rest.
Knowing that I can't get any of these mentioned above, that's why we have the Sexy Bitches column. Everyday bitches around town, in the streets, in our lives. They're either gorgeous or cute, or just no or fugly, fucking ugly, which we sure as hell won't mention here for fuck's sake.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Fuck Moochers
I woke up this morning because of a text from Jake (the one in that article) asking if he could crash in my apartment. I ignored his bitchass. Then he called. "Hey man," he says. "I need a place to stay. I got kicked out of my place." I told him his ass can live out in the streets, and he could eat a fucking dick cause he sho' ain't going to be fucking living with me. That fucking piece of cum-gurgling retarded-ass dickshit is a fucking mooch. He isn't even a friend of mine. I'd help a brother out, but this cracker must be straight up tripping if I let his "I-don't-fucking-shower" ass to crash with me. That piece of shit is a fucking Oscar, a fucking Oxycontin junkie. The last thing I fucking need is a mentally retarded bum living in my apartment doing nothing but snorting drugs and using up my precious fucking electricity and water. Man, what a fucking punkass. He doesn't have a job either, and he ain't in college. He "promised" to get a job application later if I said he could crash at my place. Later isn't fucking good enough for me. Plus, I don't want his fucking lice to live with me in my fucking place. Do you know how fucking disgusting that is? Also, tell me how the fuck are you going to fucking get a fucking job when you aren't fucking able to fucking pass the fucking drug test. Tell me that, you retarded dickheaded witless fuck. You ain't coming anywhere near my place, you fucking homo.
Tell that asshole dick fiend to fucking be useful or some shit. God. Mooches were bad enough in high school, but at this day and age it's fucking ridiculous. So yeah, Jake, if you're reading this, go fuck yourself. I concluded the day by going to 7-11 and buying myself a delicious Big Gulp. Oh yeah, fuck you too, you shitass nosy bastard. You fuckhead.
Tell that asshole dick fiend to fucking be useful or some shit. God. Mooches were bad enough in high school, but at this day and age it's fucking ridiculous. So yeah, Jake, if you're reading this, go fuck yourself. I concluded the day by going to 7-11 and buying myself a delicious Big Gulp. Oh yeah, fuck you too, you shitass nosy bastard. You fuckhead.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
The kid who smelled like shit
Just cause I mention shit, doesn't mean that the article is going to be categorized under Shit Talk...Literally. Nope, indeed. This here's not even about the extraordinary process of defecation, so it isn't a "Shit Story" either. I'm just going to shit talk this kid back in middle school who made me want to vomit profusely ala Family Guy whenever I got wind of his presence.
Let me begin this by having an orderly discussion about the properties of the substance we call shit. The food and drink that goes into your mouth and eventually out your ass encounters some biological processes along the way. Nothing fancy happens until the stomach where acid dissolves the shit into mulch. Everyone has thrown up before and knows the taste of that nasty hydrochloric acid shit in your mouth. After that shit's done, then the intestines suck the nutrients and water out of the mulch turning it into shit. The human body doesn't want what's left, so it expels the foul waste. Naturally it smells terrible. What all those digestive enzymes did to that pile of shit is unspeakable.
Now for the background of the nasal perpetrator, specifically his body mass index. The person in question was and is a fat ass. Fat people smell bad. Nothing new here. Oh but there's something new here, motherfucking shit. S-H-I-T, shit, clear? And you don't like and want to smell shit. So why in the fuck does this kid smell like shit? Did he step in dog shit? Nope. Did he just take a shit? Nope. Did he shit himself? Nope. Then what's the fucking problem here? This smell is almost indescribable. Rotting shit, if there's even such thing. No, it's not like it smells like sticking your nose into freshly shat shit, but I must say it comes pretty close with a touch of sourness. My theory is that his ass cheeks are to chubby. After he takes a shit and tries to wipe, he doesn't get all the way in there. Subsequently, there's dried up shit lodged up in his fat ass crack. Time passes by and the build up continues after each and every dump. Shit out water times a hundred. Dried up shit out of water can't be toned down. This is just a theory however. To this day, I don't know and may never know how the fuck this came to be.
People at school began to notice. I was the first and co-founded two coalitions to raise awareness and combat the dangers of shit, GRASS and MOSS. Before you say anything, no this ain't no tree hugging shit organizations. I like the smell of grass better than the stank of shit. I like the scent of moss better than the stank of shit. Fuck Greenpeace. No one knew what the fuck global warming was. No one even gave a fuck. Anyway, GRASS stood for Gross Rectal Ass Sanitation System and MOSS for Multiple Orifice Sanitation Society respectively. Me and Sam rallied supporters and boycotted and participated in sit-ins and organized hunger strikes. On an overnight school field trip in which me and Sam were forced into submission by rooming with said kid. He took a shower, and he still smelled like shit for fuck's sake! My theory was becoming law. The situation was so dire that we even made a rap song to get the message out. Innocent lives were at stake here.
The kid just thought we were making fun of him.
Let me begin this by having an orderly discussion about the properties of the substance we call shit. The food and drink that goes into your mouth and eventually out your ass encounters some biological processes along the way. Nothing fancy happens until the stomach where acid dissolves the shit into mulch. Everyone has thrown up before and knows the taste of that nasty hydrochloric acid shit in your mouth. After that shit's done, then the intestines suck the nutrients and water out of the mulch turning it into shit. The human body doesn't want what's left, so it expels the foul waste. Naturally it smells terrible. What all those digestive enzymes did to that pile of shit is unspeakable.
Now for the background of the nasal perpetrator, specifically his body mass index. The person in question was and is a fat ass. Fat people smell bad. Nothing new here. Oh but there's something new here, motherfucking shit. S-H-I-T, shit, clear? And you don't like and want to smell shit. So why in the fuck does this kid smell like shit? Did he step in dog shit? Nope. Did he just take a shit? Nope. Did he shit himself? Nope. Then what's the fucking problem here? This smell is almost indescribable. Rotting shit, if there's even such thing. No, it's not like it smells like sticking your nose into freshly shat shit, but I must say it comes pretty close with a touch of sourness. My theory is that his ass cheeks are to chubby. After he takes a shit and tries to wipe, he doesn't get all the way in there. Subsequently, there's dried up shit lodged up in his fat ass crack. Time passes by and the build up continues after each and every dump. Shit out water times a hundred. Dried up shit out of water can't be toned down. This is just a theory however. To this day, I don't know and may never know how the fuck this came to be.
People at school began to notice. I was the first and co-founded two coalitions to raise awareness and combat the dangers of shit, GRASS and MOSS. Before you say anything, no this ain't no tree hugging shit organizations. I like the smell of grass better than the stank of shit. I like the scent of moss better than the stank of shit. Fuck Greenpeace. No one knew what the fuck global warming was. No one even gave a fuck. Anyway, GRASS stood for Gross Rectal Ass Sanitation System and MOSS for Multiple Orifice Sanitation Society respectively. Me and Sam rallied supporters and boycotted and participated in sit-ins and organized hunger strikes. On an overnight school field trip in which me and Sam were forced into submission by rooming with said kid. He took a shower, and he still smelled like shit for fuck's sake! My theory was becoming law. The situation was so dire that we even made a rap song to get the message out. Innocent lives were at stake here.
The kid just thought we were making fun of him.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
God, You Trash
Today I got really fucking stoned.
I have a test tomorrow, and I have to write a fucking bullshit paper and shit. And fuck I'm tired. Then I took a nap. I fucking got up and was thinking that maybe I should take a quality nap so I can have plenty of time to do quality homework. That was a bad fucking idea and now I'm actually fucking doing this fucking homework. But first I was all like, fuck man, I need some reggae, so I put up some music. Man, this is some old bullshit and it's hella hard to decode this reading shit cause I don't remember learning this and it's hella thick for a fucking book and I feel like I'm shit outta luck tomorrow. Well, fuck! Anyways, I finished like, a third of it, but I don't feel like doing any more of this bullshit. And my eyes are hella red. Hah. Shit. I can't fucking focus on this shit. I fucking hate college. Have you ever even, do you? This is fucking whack. Fuck this shit. I don't even feel like making words up today. Fuck your punkass, guys. And I'm gonna go to dinner now cause I got the killer munchies. Fuck off. I'm fucking hungry. You can eat a dick. I got my nachos, so fuck off.
Ah. Jesus. Fuck you God. Dammit. Fuck, what is it with you? I blame it on his bitchass because I'm feeling somewhat spiritual right now and all this bullshit and fuck man. Eat a dick you guys. Tell God that you bitch. Fuck you, you piece of shit! Oh yeah, uhhh, click and shit if you want me to donate to Haiti you faggots. We have 3k views, so fucking hurry up. Jesus Fuck! What the fuck is wrong with you people? Their situation is fucked if you guys are holding out on them! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Uhhhh...dammit this is your fault God. Fuck you.
I have a test tomorrow, and I have to write a fucking bullshit paper and shit. And fuck I'm tired. Then I took a nap. I fucking got up and was thinking that maybe I should take a quality nap so I can have plenty of time to do quality homework. That was a bad fucking idea and now I'm actually fucking doing this fucking homework. But first I was all like, fuck man, I need some reggae, so I put up some music. Man, this is some old bullshit and it's hella hard to decode this reading shit cause I don't remember learning this and it's hella thick for a fucking book and I feel like I'm shit outta luck tomorrow. Well, fuck! Anyways, I finished like, a third of it, but I don't feel like doing any more of this bullshit. And my eyes are hella red. Hah. Shit. I can't fucking focus on this shit. I fucking hate college. Have you ever even, do you? This is fucking whack. Fuck this shit. I don't even feel like making words up today. Fuck your punkass, guys. And I'm gonna go to dinner now cause I got the killer munchies. Fuck off. I'm fucking hungry. You can eat a dick. I got my nachos, so fuck off.
Ah. Jesus. Fuck you God. Dammit. Fuck, what is it with you? I blame it on his bitchass because I'm feeling somewhat spiritual right now and all this bullshit and fuck man. Eat a dick you guys. Tell God that you bitch. Fuck you, you piece of shit! Oh yeah, uhhh, click and shit if you want me to donate to Haiti you faggots. We have 3k views, so fucking hurry up. Jesus Fuck! What the fuck is wrong with you people? Their situation is fucked if you guys are holding out on them! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Uhhhh...dammit this is your fault God. Fuck you.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
My Roommate Part Deux
Don't touch my shit fool. I'm talking about my fucking window and my fucking desk lamp. I don't appreciate it when you're up all in here. Back the fuck off. You got your side of the room to fucking tend to. I keep my window wide the fuck open because it's fucking hot up in this bitch. You got so much blubber fat, what are you cold or some shit? It's a fucking 80 degree sauna in here goddammit, and I can't take this shit no more. Ya dig? No, I guess fucking not. Sure the fucking laws of physics make it fucking Hurricane Katrina every time we open the fucking door all the way. Fucking air gets sucked through the fucking window, through the fucking room, through the fucking door, and into the fucking hallway. I just don't give a fuck. Leave my fucking window open, and keep the door the fuck closed.
From time to time, I fall asleep reading or whatever because chances are the shit I'm doing is boring as hell. If I do fall asleep, it's going to be a fucking nap. That means I'm going to wake up later, and when I wake up later, I want my fucking light on. So that doesn't give you the right to fucking "turn" off the florescent light on my desk. And by turn off, I mean you don't fucking actually switch the on/off button, you fucking unscrew the goddamn light bulb and try to melt the fucking cables on my desk when you put it down. Naw, I can't stand for this shit. Or going all the way to fucking unplug the goddamn thing. Hey, if you're reading this, first of all, fuck you. Second, the fucking switch is on the right end of the fucking lamp.
I'm getting a single next year. Fuck these uppity ass, hook ass, gay ass, punk ass, bitch ass, dumbass, stupid ass, fuck ass, shit ass roommates!
From time to time, I fall asleep reading or whatever because chances are the shit I'm doing is boring as hell. If I do fall asleep, it's going to be a fucking nap. That means I'm going to wake up later, and when I wake up later, I want my fucking light on. So that doesn't give you the right to fucking "turn" off the florescent light on my desk. And by turn off, I mean you don't fucking actually switch the on/off button, you fucking unscrew the goddamn light bulb and try to melt the fucking cables on my desk when you put it down. Naw, I can't stand for this shit. Or going all the way to fucking unplug the goddamn thing. Hey, if you're reading this, first of all, fuck you. Second, the fucking switch is on the right end of the fucking lamp.
I'm getting a single next year. Fuck these uppity ass, hook ass, gay ass, punk ass, bitch ass, dumbass, stupid ass, fuck ass, shit ass roommates!
Monday, February 8, 2010
Grand Theft Auto can suck the wien
Last night, I was playing some old games I had lying about, and I played GTA. It was going okay until I really got into it. Yeah, I'm a nigga who likes his video games, man, break your ass, bitch.
Anyways, man, fuck that hookass bitchass punkass pussyass game. What the fuck are the fucking people's problem in this fucking game? So, if I am the fucking protagonist in the game, it's okay for me to get shot at by uzis in front of police officers and that's perfectly legal, but when I retaliate fire, it becomes a fucking crime? Same goes for when I hit a cop car on ACCIDENT because some douchebags are chasing me with fucking machine guns? How about when we're making drug deals and shit, and it's a bust and the douchebag faggot motherfucking officer goes for my ass rather than the retarded bullfucking dealer just fucking standing there? And how about if you commit a small little crime, the whole fucking continent is after you? Give me a fucking break you fucking dick-eating jackass. Man, fuck Grand Theft Auto. You want a crime related game, play Saints Row 2. You put up with a lot less bullshit. Anyways, pick up a copy of this game, and suck it you puto.
Anyways, man, fuck that hookass bitchass punkass pussyass game. What the fuck are the fucking people's problem in this fucking game? So, if I am the fucking protagonist in the game, it's okay for me to get shot at by uzis in front of police officers and that's perfectly legal, but when I retaliate fire, it becomes a fucking crime? Same goes for when I hit a cop car on ACCIDENT because some douchebags are chasing me with fucking machine guns? How about when we're making drug deals and shit, and it's a bust and the douchebag faggot motherfucking officer goes for my ass rather than the retarded bullfucking dealer just fucking standing there? And how about if you commit a small little crime, the whole fucking continent is after you? Give me a fucking break you fucking dick-eating jackass. Man, fuck Grand Theft Auto. You want a crime related game, play Saints Row 2. You put up with a lot less bullshit. Anyways, pick up a copy of this game, and suck it you puto.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Poll: Who's Cooler?
Sup gang. We want y'all to vote on who is cooler: the marijuana-toking Jones Hewitt or the shit taking Herman Carson?
Jones Hewitt is the exclusive writer of articles such as I'm a Douche and Dream Journal. He is renowned for his douche-like antics and vulgar, unadulterated nonsensical words. "Fuck you shit chomping cock gobblers," he says. "You prematurely ejaculating mentally retarded faggots vote for me, you shitfuck. And fuck you Herman."
Herman Carson is the sole editor of Shit Talk...Literally and Mutie Minutes with Herman Carson, columns focused around defecation and his famous dislike of the physically and mentally challenged. Herman says, "If there was no me, there would be no Trash Blog, no money. Yeah, that's right. I said it, Jones, you lazy piece of shit. Vote for Herman, webmaster of The Trash Blog."
Together they pen the joint columns Trash Talk, Fuck You God, and Sexy Bitches. So who is the most funny or interesting or God forbid cool?
Poll will run for 3 weeks to the end of February. Fuck-Godspeed.
Jones Hewitt is the exclusive writer of articles such as I'm a Douche and Dream Journal. He is renowned for his douche-like antics and vulgar, unadulterated nonsensical words. "Fuck you shit chomping cock gobblers," he says. "You prematurely ejaculating mentally retarded faggots vote for me, you shitfuck. And fuck you Herman."
Herman Carson is the sole editor of Shit Talk...Literally and Mutie Minutes with Herman Carson, columns focused around defecation and his famous dislike of the physically and mentally challenged. Herman says, "If there was no me, there would be no Trash Blog, no money. Yeah, that's right. I said it, Jones, you lazy piece of shit. Vote for Herman, webmaster of The Trash Blog."
Together they pen the joint columns Trash Talk, Fuck You God, and Sexy Bitches. So who is the most funny or interesting or God forbid cool?
Poll will run for 3 weeks to the end of February. Fuck-Godspeed.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Autism and Me
Muties make me uncomfortable. Just stating the facts. I don't have anything against you. I'm not judging you. It's just that your appearance makes me feel funny. Sends shivers down my back. Anyway, mutie spotted at 12:30 hours at the student center. Thus begins my first secretarial recordings in Mutie Minutes with Herman Carson.
Race, gook. My first guess would be that he's Chinese. Asians like me are the only ones who can tell ourselves apart. It's a fact. Hair, black. Glasses. Round face. Vest on top of sweater. Khaki pants. White sneakers but not entirely white. Maybe 5 foot 6. Accompanied by a supervisor. I think his dad. Oh what a shame that a gook is mentally retarded. Asians are supposed to be the superior race of mankind. Dad had to quit his job just to keep this trash in control. Running around like a fucking man child idiot. How in the hell did he make it into college? I guess autism is a complex disorder. You're fucking dumb, but then again, you're not fucking dumb. Retarded socially but not academically. But who gives a fuck about academics? I'm just annoyed that the little shit is making people stare at him. Brings unwanted attention to the Orientals. You say it's not his fault he's fucked up in the head. I don't give a shit. Fact of the matter is I'm fucking uncomfortable, and no one likes being uncomfortable. I want to be comfortable right now, this instant, immediate-fucking-ly.
He collapsed and started shaking violently and uncontrollably. He was having a fucking seizure in broad daylight in the middle of a major school hub. His dad hovered over him, did the protocol. Laid him on his side, let the shit flow out of his mouth onto the sidewalk. Yeah this epilepsy or autism or some shit or who knows goddamn what, whatever this is, this shit just ain't right. Banish his retarded ass to solitary confinement. I'm no doctor, but beat the mental retardation out of this kid. Whatever to make his life better and our lives better off too. This sound messed up to you? Not my diatribe, but this fucked up situation. Just admit that you agree with me, even though you know it's wrong. Deep down inside of you, you feel it too. This shit just ain't right.
Race, gook. My first guess would be that he's Chinese. Asians like me are the only ones who can tell ourselves apart. It's a fact. Hair, black. Glasses. Round face. Vest on top of sweater. Khaki pants. White sneakers but not entirely white. Maybe 5 foot 6. Accompanied by a supervisor. I think his dad. Oh what a shame that a gook is mentally retarded. Asians are supposed to be the superior race of mankind. Dad had to quit his job just to keep this trash in control. Running around like a fucking man child idiot. How in the hell did he make it into college? I guess autism is a complex disorder. You're fucking dumb, but then again, you're not fucking dumb. Retarded socially but not academically. But who gives a fuck about academics? I'm just annoyed that the little shit is making people stare at him. Brings unwanted attention to the Orientals. You say it's not his fault he's fucked up in the head. I don't give a shit. Fact of the matter is I'm fucking uncomfortable, and no one likes being uncomfortable. I want to be comfortable right now, this instant, immediate-fucking-ly.
He collapsed and started shaking violently and uncontrollably. He was having a fucking seizure in broad daylight in the middle of a major school hub. His dad hovered over him, did the protocol. Laid him on his side, let the shit flow out of his mouth onto the sidewalk. Yeah this epilepsy or autism or some shit or who knows goddamn what, whatever this is, this shit just ain't right. Banish his retarded ass to solitary confinement. I'm no doctor, but beat the mental retardation out of this kid. Whatever to make his life better and our lives better off too. This sound messed up to you? Not my diatribe, but this fucked up situation. Just admit that you agree with me, even though you know it's wrong. Deep down inside of you, you feel it too. This shit just ain't right.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Dream No. 6
Whoo, whee, I'm tired of writing about shit so I'm glad I can get my ass back on track with my good ol' articles. Welcome back to Dream Journal, the illogical ramblings of Afro American Jones Hewitt and if you didn't know that and that I'm Jones Hewitt, you're a fucking idiot. Six entries so far, so let's get crack-a-lackin, you fuckhead. No drugs or alcohol this time, you fuck-witted judgmental prick.
Okay, I was at some camp, and it sucked cause in my cabin I was roomed with a douchebag with a goatee and his hot but equally bitchy sister. She was bitching every second of the day. When we were fishing, bitch bitch bitch! When we were hiking, bitch bitch bitch! This cunt wouldn't shut the fuck up. I was very frustrated and tired of hearing this bullshit. Night came. We were in the bathrooms and I was brushing my teeth. That bitch came out of the shower and told me to move over. I pulled her towel down, and proceeded to grab her bare tit. She squealed and slapped me. All of a sudden a park ranger bust through the door and the dream paused. A voice announced that I could either A. continue with the girl or B. stop. I decided to stop and the asshole warden demanded to arrest me. The dream paused again and the voice told me I could A. go quietly or B. complain about customer service. I did the latter of the choices and the ranger stopped, scratched his head, and left after apologizing soundly. As I was about to have my way with the frightened helpless dream woman, Herman texted me and my phone woke me up. I was very pissed.
Now while you faggots are slapping your skin to my article, I have to say I am very disappointed in you fucks. Dream Journal voted the least. Fuck you guys, fuck you. You sack-eating dickass.
Okay, I was at some camp, and it sucked cause in my cabin I was roomed with a douchebag with a goatee and his hot but equally bitchy sister. She was bitching every second of the day. When we were fishing, bitch bitch bitch! When we were hiking, bitch bitch bitch! This cunt wouldn't shut the fuck up. I was very frustrated and tired of hearing this bullshit. Night came. We were in the bathrooms and I was brushing my teeth. That bitch came out of the shower and told me to move over. I pulled her towel down, and proceeded to grab her bare tit. She squealed and slapped me. All of a sudden a park ranger bust through the door and the dream paused. A voice announced that I could either A. continue with the girl or B. stop. I decided to stop and the asshole warden demanded to arrest me. The dream paused again and the voice told me I could A. go quietly or B. complain about customer service. I did the latter of the choices and the ranger stopped, scratched his head, and left after apologizing soundly. As I was about to have my way with the frightened helpless dream woman, Herman texted me and my phone woke me up. I was very pissed.
Now while you faggots are slapping your skin to my article, I have to say I am very disappointed in you fucks. Dream Journal voted the least. Fuck you guys, fuck you. You sack-eating dickass.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
God is great...piece of shit
God, you are really starting to fucking piss me off. The little things goddammit, the little things. You just had to be a little bitch about this. Like I always say, a penny saved is a penny earned. A penny spent is a penny you should have saved. So you can take coin laundry and shove it up your ass you Jesus loving faggot.
I'm sick and tired of this shit. Last semester it happened to me once. I shook it off. Just a malfunction. But naw, another disaster struck this semester. Again. First time I was out a fucking dollar. This time 75 cents. All the same. Bottom line is that the fucking dryer ate my fucking quarters again. I ain't having this. Bullshit. Fuck you God. Screw me over when I'm close to shoving my last quarters in. Why couldn't the first fucking quarter get stuck you motherfucker? Fuck! I was so fucking pissed off last time, I abused the fuck out of that dryer. I high kicked that fucking piss poor excuse for machinery upwards of 25 times...whilst swearing! And that still didn't do no good. This time I had present company, so I abused the elevator down to my floor instead.
What I did next was what I should have done long ago. As soon as the first fucking quarter got jammed. And that was to opt for the school debit card. Fuck me. No fee. Just deposit money using credit card. Swipe and select. Easy and painless. Thing is I technically had 50 cents in with a quarter lost to hell, and to add insult to injury, the assholic system still charged me the full $1.25 for the cycle. Fucking assholes.
I don't want to be stressed out over fucking pocket change. I don't need this shit. But the fact is it doesn't help that my fucking hard earned money goes to waste. I won't be having this problem any more, so up yours God.
I'm sick and tired of this shit. Last semester it happened to me once. I shook it off. Just a malfunction. But naw, another disaster struck this semester. Again. First time I was out a fucking dollar. This time 75 cents. All the same. Bottom line is that the fucking dryer ate my fucking quarters again. I ain't having this. Bullshit. Fuck you God. Screw me over when I'm close to shoving my last quarters in. Why couldn't the first fucking quarter get stuck you motherfucker? Fuck! I was so fucking pissed off last time, I abused the fuck out of that dryer. I high kicked that fucking piss poor excuse for machinery upwards of 25 times...whilst swearing! And that still didn't do no good. This time I had present company, so I abused the elevator down to my floor instead.
What I did next was what I should have done long ago. As soon as the first fucking quarter got jammed. And that was to opt for the school debit card. Fuck me. No fee. Just deposit money using credit card. Swipe and select. Easy and painless. Thing is I technically had 50 cents in with a quarter lost to hell, and to add insult to injury, the assholic system still charged me the full $1.25 for the cycle. Fucking assholes.
I don't want to be stressed out over fucking pocket change. I don't need this shit. But the fact is it doesn't help that my fucking hard earned money goes to waste. I won't be having this problem any more, so up yours God.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Complaints to Porn Industries
I like sex. I like having sex, and I like watching videos of hot little sluts taking it in the ass. Unfortunately all good things have bad things in them, and I'm here to point out the cons of pornography. Stick around and find out, you shit-eating piece of butt-fucking cum chugging ass-hair.
First off, you guys at the porn industry can employ less skinheads. What the fuck? Did all the dudes get out of the Army or something? It's not that I'm a fag noticing the dudes, but damn, why does the plain Nazi Lowriding White Guy get the bitch? That ain't cool. I ain't never seen a bald guy in the street with a fine ass bitch. That's false bullshit, motherfuckers. You guys suck! What say you, you piece of trash? You agree with me for sure, you fucking faggot.
Also I don't want no more goddamn motherfucking viruses. Fuck you bitch-ass punk-ass hook-ass hackers and fuck you asshole reader! I'm just trying to get me a good meat slapping going on and all you want to do is turn off my fucking internet and have me jerk off to a magazine or my hand or some chick I pick up that takes approximately two hours and a couple of drinks? I don't fucking think so, you stupid dick! Fuck yourselves!
I also want you to cut out the gay bullshit faggot music out of the fucking movie. I want to hear the girl moan, not fucking ride an elevator or watch a fucking music video! Fucking A! No one wants to hear that bullshit. It doesn't turn me on. Fuck you guys! I'm obviously not watching your bullshit porn for the fucking music. You fucking retard.
For the hot bitches: shave your damn selves! Nothing turns me off like a large explosion of muff hair. It's like I'm looking at a bush you find out in the mountains. I'm not saying pubic hair is bad, just not that fucking much. You Asian sluts know what I'm talking about. That hairy pussy of yours disgusts me.
Sometimes all I see is a dick in a pussy. No face. No tit. Booooring. What the fuck? I can easily do that with my fingers and that don't give me a boner. Again, I want to see tits and ass and the face. A fucking dick and a pussy ain't cutting it, you fuckheaded sonuvabitch. Dumb ass camera guy, zoom out a bit sometimes, dammit! And less zoom in on the fucking guy, more of the fucking girl.Sometimes when I jerk off to porn, the camera all of a sudden shows the guy's face. Get the douchebag out of the screen. Need I remind the porn market that the only reason we went to the link is because we want to see the girl featured getting fucked, not the faggot who is fucking her. I don't fucking care what his face looks like, get back to the girl, you witless homo porn director. By the way, they should make the guy shut the fuck up, we're not watching you, you ass-for-sale cow fucking ball-lopping shitstain.
Ya'll fuckheads heard ever of POV? It's one of my personal favorites. I demand you dumb fucklicks to make more of that! No guy's faggot ass in the way. He needs to get the fuck up out of here. And take better angles, for Chrissake, sometimes good porn is ruined because the dickmilking filmmaker can't film for a goddamn shit. The classic side views are aiight for me. I like and can live with that. Underneath the chick is good too, but not zoomed in all the fucking way where I can't see shit. I want to see more shit, you sploogemouthed fuck.
I want you guys to cut the gay porn market. This includes any form of male on male penetration, male with dick in his mouth, male getting penetrated by a dildo, strap on, etc. The market is supposedly said by unnamed sources to be too small and there is no interest in it (in these parts!). Nobody likes faggots. Yes, you cuntaphobic homosexual supporters, lesbians too. Don't get me wrong, you sick shitbitch, lesbians are hot, but they are hell of boring. Go to a gay bar if you want some gay action. Gay bars are where you belong you fucking retarded dick fiend.
I'll discuss more when I find more cons. Maybe I'll make a Pros article too. In the meantime, fuck yourselves. As for the $20 to Haiti, I only have 2.6k views. Don't you want me to donate money to support them fucking poor earthquake-prone homelesses? Hurry the fuck up you fucked piece of shit! Click faster goddammit, you fucking idiots!
First off, you guys at the porn industry can employ less skinheads. What the fuck? Did all the dudes get out of the Army or something? It's not that I'm a fag noticing the dudes, but damn, why does the plain Nazi Lowriding White Guy get the bitch? That ain't cool. I ain't never seen a bald guy in the street with a fine ass bitch. That's false bullshit, motherfuckers. You guys suck! What say you, you piece of trash? You agree with me for sure, you fucking faggot.
Also I don't want no more goddamn motherfucking viruses. Fuck you bitch-ass punk-ass hook-ass hackers and fuck you asshole reader! I'm just trying to get me a good meat slapping going on and all you want to do is turn off my fucking internet and have me jerk off to a magazine or my hand or some chick I pick up that takes approximately two hours and a couple of drinks? I don't fucking think so, you stupid dick! Fuck yourselves!
I also want you to cut out the gay bullshit faggot music out of the fucking movie. I want to hear the girl moan, not fucking ride an elevator or watch a fucking music video! Fucking A! No one wants to hear that bullshit. It doesn't turn me on. Fuck you guys! I'm obviously not watching your bullshit porn for the fucking music. You fucking retard.
For the hot bitches: shave your damn selves! Nothing turns me off like a large explosion of muff hair. It's like I'm looking at a bush you find out in the mountains. I'm not saying pubic hair is bad, just not that fucking much. You Asian sluts know what I'm talking about. That hairy pussy of yours disgusts me.
Sometimes all I see is a dick in a pussy. No face. No tit. Booooring. What the fuck? I can easily do that with my fingers and that don't give me a boner. Again, I want to see tits and ass and the face. A fucking dick and a pussy ain't cutting it, you fuckheaded sonuvabitch. Dumb ass camera guy, zoom out a bit sometimes, dammit! And less zoom in on the fucking guy, more of the fucking girl.Sometimes when I jerk off to porn, the camera all of a sudden shows the guy's face. Get the douchebag out of the screen. Need I remind the porn market that the only reason we went to the link is because we want to see the girl featured getting fucked, not the faggot who is fucking her. I don't fucking care what his face looks like, get back to the girl, you witless homo porn director. By the way, they should make the guy shut the fuck up, we're not watching you, you ass-for-sale cow fucking ball-lopping shitstain.
Ya'll fuckheads heard ever of POV? It's one of my personal favorites. I demand you dumb fucklicks to make more of that! No guy's faggot ass in the way. He needs to get the fuck up out of here. And take better angles, for Chrissake, sometimes good porn is ruined because the dickmilking filmmaker can't film for a goddamn shit. The classic side views are aiight for me. I like and can live with that. Underneath the chick is good too, but not zoomed in all the fucking way where I can't see shit. I want to see more shit, you sploogemouthed fuck.
I want you guys to cut the gay porn market. This includes any form of male on male penetration, male with dick in his mouth, male getting penetrated by a dildo, strap on, etc. The market is supposedly said by unnamed sources to be too small and there is no interest in it (in these parts!). Nobody likes faggots. Yes, you cuntaphobic homosexual supporters, lesbians too. Don't get me wrong, you sick shitbitch, lesbians are hot, but they are hell of boring. Go to a gay bar if you want some gay action. Gay bars are where you belong you fucking retarded dick fiend.
I'll discuss more when I find more cons. Maybe I'll make a Pros article too. In the meantime, fuck yourselves. As for the $20 to Haiti, I only have 2.6k views. Don't you want me to donate money to support them fucking poor earthquake-prone homelesses? Hurry the fuck up you fucked piece of shit! Click faster goddammit, you fucking idiots!
Monday, February 1, 2010
Sexy Bitches Column Preview
Ever walked down the street and saw a fine bitch? How about at the pool? Maybe sitting next to you in a class? Look 'em up and down and thought to yourself, "Damn, I'd tap that ass!"
Herman says some East Coast bitches are hot, but Herman can vouch for Jones when he says you can only get the finest beach girls in SoCal. You will only read about the finest, hottest bitch we find here, cause if you were fugly, you'd be in Trash Talk and/or Mutie Minutes. Not here. Who knows? Maybe you'll find yourself here. We're always on the lookout.
Jones and Herman are about to take you on a sight seeing tour of some of the hottest bitches of everyday life. There are no photos, but our detailed descriptions straight from our own two eyes is cause for some boner-inducing articles! These articles are not to jerk off to, you sick fuck, there's porn for that. This column will be updated weekly, because we don't want to spend the whole time posting articles about chicks. We have other columns to run.
Herman says some East Coast bitches are hot, but Herman can vouch for Jones when he says you can only get the finest beach girls in SoCal. You will only read about the finest, hottest bitch we find here, cause if you were fugly, you'd be in Trash Talk and/or Mutie Minutes. Not here. Who knows? Maybe you'll find yourself here. We're always on the lookout.
Jones and Herman are about to take you on a sight seeing tour of some of the hottest bitches of everyday life. There are no photos, but our detailed descriptions straight from our own two eyes is cause for some boner-inducing articles! These articles are not to jerk off to, you sick fuck, there's porn for that. This column will be updated weekly, because we don't want to spend the whole time posting articles about chicks. We have other columns to run.
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