Letters from the Editors

The Trash Blog was conceived on Christmas Day 2009. A longtime brainchild of Jones Hewitt combined with the previously failed blogging attempts of Herman Carson, The Trash Blog represented, symbolized everything they were. The first post, the mission statement read as follows: The sole purpose of this leisure blog is simply to make money. Our deep distaste of trash as a source of entertainment is an afterthought. Jones and Herman wanted to get money, get paid by demeaning and condescending others, everything they aspired to be.

Fast forward to February 22, 2010. After a week of break due to being shit for screwed, Jones and Herman returned to The Trash Blog only to see that its Google AdSense was disabled a week earlier. They fired off a quick appeal to Google just to see it be denied hours later.

Fast forward to now...

What the fuck? What the fuck? Fuck you. Son of a motherfucking cunt bitch. You bitch ass motherfuckers got your panties in a bunch after that little bitchfest on Valentine's Day. So hurt like a bitch that you threw together a mini revolt to click on ads a million motherfucking times to fuck us over. Fuck you. Oh play innocent, like you don't know what the fuck's going on. We'll tell you what the fuck's going on. Up yours you faggot-fucking shit-packing motherfucking dipshit. Suck yourself you fucking piece of worthless, throw away, useless, waste of space, waste of air, waste of a human being, waste of life, waste of resources, waste of our time fatherfucking trash. We know what you did you queer-fucking asshole-wrecking no good piece of shit. You clicked on our ads a fucking million fucking times to get all up in Google's ass to fucking ban us. You hurt us, not on the inside you fag, but our wallets, our motherfucking bottom line. Our fucking money, our fucking mission statement. You tree trunk piece of ass, preejaculating piece of dickshit. Fuck everything about you. Jones was this fucking close to donating $20 to Haiti. Twice what most people are giving. $20 more than what you didn't give you sacks of shits. How does that make you feel to deny Haitians life? That's fucking messed up. You should be ashamed of yourself. So shamed that you should fucking kill yourself. Jump in front of a train. Get your fucking body sawed in mutilated unclean halves. We want to see your fucking intestines burst out. We want to see a fucking white blanket over your dead ass, a fucking body bag. Eat dick and die. No one is going to give a shit. Even your cock's not going to give a shit. The world could use less humans to fuck up the earth. You dying will save like a million fucking trees, reform the fucking ozone layer, and there will be one less fucking car on the road. Thank fucking you. We want you to read this whole entire fucking letter. Don't stop here you fucking half-assed little fucker. We're not done with your punk gay ass.

What is the definition of trash? Trash is a very popular insult in Asian culture, and we feel we need to spread the hate. Trash means that no one cares about you. You're a sad, worthless, invaluable, junk, throw away, stepped upon, push over, no good, expired, abandoned, good for nothing, inferior, insignificant, meaningless, mediocre, miserable, negligible, nothing, pointless, trivial, unessential, unimportant, waste of everything in fucking existence, shit, fucker, ass, bitch, asshole, bastard, cunt, faggot, fag, homo, queer, gay, dumbfuck, stupidfuck, shitfuck, assfuck, bitchfuck, bitch ass, gay ass, homo ass, queer ass, faggot ass, fuck ass, shit ass, hook ass, cocksucking, dicksuck, penis-pleasing, gay queer homo faggot fag motherfucker all in one.

Youse trash.

Written by Herman Carson. Approved by Jones Hewitt.

Fuck You

Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, and fuck you. We're out.

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Valentine's Day/Chinese New Year Special

"We know this is going to be Herman's valentine!" says Jones. "Naw, just fucking with you all. You witless fucks. Yeah, you dick-groper; I bet your valentine is a dildo, vibrator, anal beads, or another dude, you fucking faggot. Yeah, everyone knows you probably like hard anal probes up your cock-up-you faggot ass you sick scrotum-caressing homo shitfuck. You asshole-tearing fags are just a bunch of cum-sipping, cock-riding, motherfucking queers and my recommendations for what you fucks can do today is for you shit-packing dicksuckers to stop acting a fucking fool and to go fuck your-dumbass-selves."

Herman concurs and adds, "Fuck you guys. Gong Hay Fat Choy and Sukku My Dikku...uh yeh...what Jones said."

Anyways, we the editors here at The Trash Blog want you to go fuck yourselves today regardless of what day it is, you worthless trash. No one loves you, except for a guy and maybe your homosexual dads. And you sure as hell ain't going to get the lucky red envelope you cocksuckers. Time to start those New Year's resolutions over cause God fucking knows you already done fucked up. Yeah your New Year's resolution was to turn straight. Now your lunar New Year's resolution is to stay and remain a fag and get some gay ass. You guys are pieces of shit. We also want to tell you fucks that we are having a week-long vacation for school. After that, we'll be back to posting two articles a day, 7 days a week. We have our dates to finish pleasing, so yeah, fuck you guys. Yeah, we can be assholes and still get the pussy, unlike you fucks, who are just assholes and just end up with man-ass. But we will allow you to continue reading our articles during our hiatus, don't you feel bad for the screwing over the Haitians?

Sexy and Hot

What's the difference? Sexy is always hot, but hot is not always sexy. My definition is as follows: Sexy is gorgeous, and hot is cute. Now this is all a matter of personal taste, my humble opinion, so eat a dick if you don't agree. And now some examples to give you a more vivid picture of what I'm talking about, the as aforementioned Taylor Swift and Miley Cyrus. These two bitches (too harsh?) are the sex symbols of this generation. I think I read somewhere that Taylor Swift doesn't want anyone to think of her naked. Well too fucking bad. Then you shouldn't have been a singer or a girl. However, I don't consider them stunning, sexy, personally. They're hot but just cute. What? Here at The Trash Blog, we are critics of 6 select categories based on looks: face, breasts, stomach, butt, legs, and body. I don't want to go into details, but it's mainly face that determines sexy or hot. They look too young, underdeveloped. In Miley Cyrus' case, she's not even legal yet. A bonus category not based on looks would be voice. Her voice is a little too low while Taylor Swift has a nice and light voice. Even after all that, I wouldn't mind tapping that, given that she's legal. I'm 19, talking about college girls or young 20s. High school age is gone, past, I'm not and shouldn't even be looking at them. Pedophiles are sick, preying on 14 year olds. Man, they aren't even developed yet. What the fuck is wrong with you? Sick old fucks thinking that a young girl would like their ugly asses. Oh you're going to get laid all right, just in fucking jail by fucking grown ass big men. Sorry I've been watching too many episodes of To Catch a Predator.

Now sexy is supermodel hot, like Victoria's Secret models. Not naming any names because that's like all of them. They show off their bodies a lot more, which is a plus. That could possibly factor into why I think they're hotter than cute. They're models. They're supposed to be pretty. Celebrities don't necessarily have to be pretty, but they do get farther if they're that noticeably hotter than the rest.

Knowing that I can't get any of these mentioned above, that's why we have the Sexy Bitches column. Everyday bitches around town, in the streets, in our lives. They're either gorgeous or cute, or just no or fugly, fucking ugly, which we sure as hell won't mention here for fuck's sake.

Fuck Moochers

I woke up this morning because of a text from Jake (the one in that article) asking if he could crash in my apartment. I ignored his bitchass. Then he called. "Hey man," he says. "I need a place to stay. I got kicked out of my place." I told him his ass can live out in the streets, and he could eat a fucking dick cause he sho' ain't going to be fucking living with me. That fucking piece of cum-gurgling retarded-ass dickshit is a fucking mooch. He isn't even a friend of mine. I'd help a brother out, but this cracker must be straight up tripping if I let his "I-don't-fucking-shower" ass to crash with me. That piece of shit is a fucking Oscar, a fucking Oxycontin junkie. The last thing I fucking need is a mentally retarded bum living in my apartment doing nothing but snorting drugs and using up my precious fucking electricity and water. Man, what a fucking punkass. He doesn't have a job either, and he ain't in college. He "promised" to get a job application later if I said he could crash at my place. Later isn't fucking good enough for me. Plus, I don't want his fucking lice to live with me in my fucking place. Do you know how fucking disgusting that is? Also, tell me how the fuck are you going to fucking get a fucking job when you aren't fucking able to fucking pass the fucking drug test. Tell me that, you retarded dickheaded witless fuck. You ain't coming anywhere near my place, you fucking homo.

Tell that asshole dick fiend to fucking be useful or some shit. God. Mooches were bad enough in high school, but at this day and age it's fucking ridiculous. So yeah, Jake, if you're reading this, go fuck yourself. I concluded the day by going to 7-11 and buying myself a delicious Big Gulp. Oh yeah, fuck you too, you shitass nosy bastard. You fuckhead.

The kid who smelled like shit

Just cause I mention shit, doesn't mean that the article is going to be categorized under Shit Talk...Literally. Nope, indeed. This here's not even about the extraordinary process of defecation, so it isn't a "Shit Story" either. I'm just going to shit talk this kid back in middle school who made me want to vomit profusely ala Family Guy whenever I got wind of his presence.

Let me begin this by having an orderly discussion about the properties of the substance we call shit. The food and drink that goes into your mouth and eventually out your ass encounters some biological processes along the way. Nothing fancy happens until the stomach where acid dissolves the shit into mulch. Everyone has thrown up before and knows the taste of that nasty hydrochloric acid shit in your mouth. After that shit's done, then the intestines suck the nutrients and water out of the mulch turning it into shit. The human body doesn't want what's left, so it expels the foul waste. Naturally it smells terrible. What all those digestive enzymes did to that pile of shit is unspeakable.

Now for the background of the nasal perpetrator, specifically his body mass index. The person in question was and is a fat ass. Fat people smell bad. Nothing new here. Oh but there's something new here, motherfucking shit. S-H-I-T, shit, clear? And you don't like and want to smell shit. So why in the fuck does this kid smell like shit? Did he step in dog shit? Nope. Did he just take a shit? Nope. Did he shit himself? Nope. Then what's the fucking problem here? This smell is almost indescribable. Rotting shit, if there's even such thing. No, it's not like it smells like sticking your nose into freshly shat shit, but I must say it comes pretty close with a touch of sourness. My theory is that his ass cheeks are to chubby. After he takes a shit and tries to wipe, he doesn't get all the way in there. Subsequently, there's dried up shit lodged up in his fat ass crack. Time passes by and the build up continues after each and every dump. Shit out water times a hundred. Dried up shit out of water can't be toned down. This is just a theory however. To this day, I don't know and may never know how the fuck this came to be.

People at school began to notice. I was the first and co-founded two coalitions to raise awareness and combat the dangers of shit, GRASS and MOSS. Before you say anything, no this ain't no tree hugging shit organizations. I like the smell of grass better than the stank of shit. I like the scent of moss better than the stank of shit. Fuck Greenpeace. No one knew what the fuck global warming was. No one even gave a fuck. Anyway, GRASS stood for Gross Rectal Ass Sanitation System and MOSS for Multiple Orifice Sanitation Society respectively. Me and Sam rallied supporters and boycotted and participated in sit-ins and organized hunger strikes. On an overnight school field trip in which me and Sam were forced into submission by rooming with said kid. He took a shower, and he still smelled like shit for fuck's sake! My theory was becoming law. The situation was so dire that we even made a rap song to get the message out. Innocent lives were at stake here.

The kid just thought we were making fun of him.

God, You Trash

Today I got really fucking stoned.

I have a test tomorrow, and I have to write a fucking bullshit paper and shit. And fuck I'm tired. Then I took a nap. I fucking got up and was thinking that maybe I should take a quality nap so I can have plenty of time to do quality homework. That was a bad fucking idea and now I'm actually fucking doing this fucking homework. But first I was all like, fuck man, I need some reggae, so I put up some music. Man, this is some old bullshit and it's hella hard to decode this reading shit cause I don't remember learning this and it's hella thick for a fucking book and I feel like I'm shit outta luck tomorrow. Well, fuck! Anyways, I finished like, a third of it, but I don't feel like doing any more of this bullshit. And my eyes are hella red. Hah. Shit. I can't fucking focus on this shit. I fucking hate college. Have you ever even, do you? This is fucking whack. Fuck this shit. I don't even feel like making words up today. Fuck your punkass, guys. And I'm gonna go to dinner now cause I got the killer munchies. Fuck off. I'm fucking hungry. You can eat a dick. I got my nachos, so fuck off.

Ah. Jesus. Fuck you God. Dammit. Fuck, what is it with you? I blame it on his bitchass because I'm feeling somewhat spiritual right now and all this bullshit and fuck man. Eat a dick you guys. Tell God that you bitch. Fuck you, you piece of shit! Oh yeah, uhhh, click and shit if you want me to donate to Haiti you faggots. We have 3k views, so fucking hurry up. Jesus Fuck! What the fuck is wrong with you people? Their situation is fucked if you guys are holding out on them! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Uhhhh...dammit this is your fault God. Fuck you.

My Roommate Part Deux

Don't touch my shit fool. I'm talking about my fucking window and my fucking desk lamp. I don't appreciate it when you're up all in here. Back the fuck off. You got your side of the room to fucking tend to. I keep my window wide the fuck open because it's fucking hot up in this bitch. You got so much blubber fat, what are you cold or some shit? It's a fucking 80 degree sauna in here goddammit, and I can't take this shit no more. Ya dig? No, I guess fucking not. Sure the fucking laws of physics make it fucking Hurricane Katrina every time we open the fucking door all the way. Fucking air gets sucked through the fucking window, through the fucking room, through the fucking door, and into the fucking hallway. I just don't give a fuck. Leave my fucking window open, and keep the door the fuck closed.

From time to time, I fall asleep reading or whatever because chances are the shit I'm doing is boring as hell. If I do fall asleep, it's going to be a fucking nap. That means I'm going to wake up later, and when I wake up later, I want my fucking light on. So that doesn't give you the right to fucking "turn" off the florescent light on my desk. And by turn off, I mean you don't fucking actually switch the on/off button, you fucking unscrew the goddamn light bulb and try to melt the fucking cables on my desk when you put it down. Naw, I can't stand for this shit. Or going all the way to fucking unplug the goddamn thing. Hey, if you're reading this, first of all, fuck you. Second, the fucking switch is on the right end of the fucking lamp.

I'm getting a single next year. Fuck these uppity ass, hook ass, gay ass, punk ass, bitch ass, dumbass, stupid ass, fuck ass, shit ass roommates!

Grand Theft Auto can suck the wien

Last night, I was playing some old games I had lying about, and I played GTA. It was going okay until I really got into it. Yeah, I'm a nigga who likes his video games, man, break your ass, bitch.

Anyways, man, fuck that hookass bitchass punkass pussyass game. What the fuck are the fucking people's problem in this fucking game? So, if I am the fucking protagonist in the game, it's okay for me to get shot at by uzis in front of police officers and that's perfectly legal, but when I retaliate fire, it becomes a fucking crime? Same goes for when I hit a cop car on ACCIDENT because some douchebags are chasing me with fucking machine guns? How about when we're making drug deals and shit, and it's a bust and the douchebag faggot motherfucking officer goes for my ass rather than the retarded bullfucking dealer just fucking standing there? And how about if you commit a small little crime, the whole fucking continent is after you? Give me a fucking break you fucking dick-eating jackass. Man, fuck Grand Theft Auto. You want a crime related game, play Saints Row 2. You put up with a lot less bullshit. Anyways, pick up a copy of this game, and suck it you puto.

Poll: Who's Cooler?

Sup gang. We want y'all to vote on who is cooler: the marijuana-toking Jones Hewitt or the shit taking Herman Carson?

Jones Hewitt is the exclusive writer of articles such as I'm a Douche and Dream Journal. He is renowned for his douche-like antics and vulgar, unadulterated nonsensical words. "Fuck you shit chomping cock gobblers," he says. "You prematurely ejaculating mentally retarded faggots vote for me, you shitfuck. And fuck you Herman."

Herman Carson is the sole editor of Shit Talk...Literally and Mutie Minutes with Herman Carson, columns focused around defecation and his famous dislike of the physically and mentally challenged. Herman says, "If there was no me, there would be no Trash Blog, no money. Yeah, that's right. I said it, Jones, you lazy piece of shit. Vote for Herman, webmaster of The Trash Blog."

Together they pen the joint columns Trash Talk, Fuck You God, and Sexy Bitches. So who is the most funny or interesting or God forbid cool?

Poll will run for 3 weeks to the end of February. Fuck-Godspeed.

Autism and Me

Muties make me uncomfortable. Just stating the facts. I don't have anything against you. I'm not judging you. It's just that your appearance makes me feel funny. Sends shivers down my back. Anyway, mutie spotted at 12:30 hours at the student center. Thus begins my first secretarial recordings in Mutie Minutes with Herman Carson.

Race, gook. My first guess would be that he's Chinese. Asians like me are the only ones who can tell ourselves apart. It's a fact. Hair, black. Glasses. Round face. Vest on top of sweater. Khaki pants. White sneakers but not entirely white. Maybe 5 foot 6. Accompanied by a supervisor. I think his dad. Oh what a shame that a gook is mentally retarded. Asians are supposed to be the superior race of mankind. Dad had to quit his job just to keep this trash in control. Running around like a fucking man child idiot. How in the hell did he make it into college? I guess autism is a complex disorder. You're fucking dumb, but then again, you're not fucking dumb. Retarded socially but not academically. But who gives a fuck about academics? I'm just annoyed that the little shit is making people stare at him. Brings unwanted attention to the Orientals. You say it's not his fault he's fucked up in the head. I don't give a shit. Fact of the matter is I'm fucking uncomfortable, and no one likes being uncomfortable. I want to be comfortable right now, this instant, immediate-fucking-ly.

He collapsed and started shaking violently and uncontrollably. He was having a fucking seizure in broad daylight in the middle of a major school hub. His dad hovered over him, did the protocol. Laid him on his side, let the shit flow out of his mouth onto the sidewalk. Yeah this epilepsy or autism or some shit or who knows goddamn what, whatever this is, this shit just ain't right. Banish his retarded ass to solitary confinement. I'm no doctor, but beat the mental retardation out of this kid. Whatever to make his life better and our lives better off too. This sound messed up to you? Not my diatribe, but this fucked up situation. Just admit that you agree with me, even though you know it's wrong. Deep down inside of you, you feel it too. This shit just ain't right.

Dream No. 6

Whoo, whee, I'm tired of writing about shit so I'm glad I can get my ass back on track with my good ol' articles. Welcome back to Dream Journal, the illogical ramblings of Afro American Jones Hewitt and if you didn't know that and that I'm Jones Hewitt, you're a fucking idiot. Six entries so far, so let's get crack-a-lackin, you fuckhead. No drugs or alcohol this time, you fuck-witted judgmental prick.

Okay, I was at some camp, and it sucked cause in my cabin I was roomed with a douchebag with a goatee and his hot but equally bitchy sister. She was bitching every second of the day. When we were fishing, bitch bitch bitch! When we were hiking, bitch bitch bitch! This cunt wouldn't shut the fuck up. I was very frustrated and tired of hearing this bullshit. Night came. We were in the bathrooms and I was brushing my teeth. That bitch came out of the shower and told me to move over. I pulled her towel down, and proceeded to grab her bare tit. She squealed and slapped me. All of a sudden a park ranger bust through the door and the dream paused. A voice announced that I could either A. continue with the girl or B. stop. I decided to stop and the asshole warden demanded to arrest me. The dream paused again and the voice told me I could A. go quietly or B. complain about customer service. I did the latter of the choices and the ranger stopped, scratched his head, and left after apologizing soundly. As I was about to have my way with the frightened helpless dream woman, Herman texted me and my phone woke me up. I was very pissed.

Now while you faggots are slapping your skin to my article, I have to say I am very disappointed in you fucks. Dream Journal voted the least. Fuck you guys, fuck you. You sack-eating dickass.

God is great...piece of shit

God, you are really starting to fucking piss me off. The little things goddammit, the little things. You just had to be a little bitch about this. Like I always say, a penny saved is a penny earned. A penny spent is a penny you should have saved. So you can take coin laundry and shove it up your ass you Jesus loving faggot.

I'm sick and tired of this shit. Last semester it happened to me once. I shook it off. Just a malfunction. But naw, another disaster struck this semester. Again. First time I was out a fucking dollar. This time 75 cents. All the same. Bottom line is that the fucking dryer ate my fucking quarters again. I ain't having this. Bullshit. Fuck you God. Screw me over when I'm close to shoving my last quarters in. Why couldn't the first fucking quarter get stuck you motherfucker? Fuck! I was so fucking pissed off last time, I abused the fuck out of that dryer. I high kicked that fucking piss poor excuse for machinery upwards of 25 times...whilst swearing! And that still didn't do no good. This time I had present company, so I abused the elevator down to my floor instead.

What I did next was what I should have done long ago. As soon as the first fucking quarter got jammed. And that was to opt for the school debit card. Fuck me. No fee. Just deposit money using credit card. Swipe and select. Easy and painless. Thing is I technically had 50 cents in with a quarter lost to hell, and to add insult to injury, the assholic system still charged me the full $1.25 for the cycle. Fucking assholes.

I don't want to be stressed out over fucking pocket change. I don't need this shit. But the fact is it doesn't help that my fucking hard earned money goes to waste. I won't be having this problem any more, so up yours God.

Complaints to Porn Industries

I like sex. I like having sex, and I like watching videos of hot little sluts taking it in the ass. Unfortunately all good things have bad things in them, and I'm here to point out the cons of pornography. Stick around and find out, you shit-eating piece of butt-fucking cum chugging ass-hair.

First off, you guys at the porn industry can employ less skinheads. What the fuck? Did all the dudes get out of the Army or something? It's not that I'm a fag noticing the dudes, but damn, why does the plain Nazi Lowriding White Guy get the bitch? That ain't cool. I ain't never seen a bald guy in the street with a fine ass bitch. That's false bullshit, motherfuckers. You guys suck! What say you, you piece of trash? You agree with me for sure, you fucking faggot.

Also I don't want no more goddamn motherfucking viruses. Fuck you bitch-ass punk-ass hook-ass hackers and fuck you asshole reader! I'm just trying to get me a good meat slapping going on and all you want to do is turn off my fucking internet and have me jerk off to a magazine or my hand or some chick I pick up that takes approximately two hours and a couple of drinks? I don't fucking think so, you stupid dick! Fuck yourselves!

I also want you to cut out the gay bullshit faggot music out of the fucking movie. I want to hear the girl moan, not fucking ride an elevator or watch a fucking music video! Fucking A! No one wants to hear that bullshit. It doesn't turn me on. Fuck you guys! I'm obviously not watching your bullshit porn for the fucking music. You fucking retard.

For the hot bitches: shave your damn selves! Nothing turns me off like a large explosion of muff hair. It's like I'm looking at a bush you find out in the mountains. I'm not saying pubic hair is bad, just not that fucking much. You Asian sluts know what I'm talking about. That hairy pussy of yours disgusts me.

Sometimes all I see is a dick in a pussy. No face. No tit. Booooring. What the fuck? I can easily do that with my fingers and that don't give me a boner. Again, I want to see tits and ass and the face. A fucking dick and a pussy ain't cutting it, you fuckheaded sonuvabitch. Dumb ass camera guy, zoom out a bit sometimes, dammit! And less zoom in on the fucking guy, more of the fucking girl.Sometimes when I jerk off to porn, the camera all of a sudden shows the guy's face. Get the douchebag out of the screen. Need I remind the porn market that the only reason we went to the link is because we want to see the girl featured getting fucked, not the faggot who is fucking her. I don't fucking care what his face looks like, get back to the girl, you witless homo porn director. By the way, they should make the guy shut the fuck up, we're not watching you, you ass-for-sale cow fucking ball-lopping shitstain.

Ya'll fuckheads heard ever of POV? It's one of my personal favorites. I demand you dumb fucklicks to make more of that! No guy's faggot ass in the way. He needs to get the fuck up out of here. And take better angles, for Chrissake, sometimes good porn is ruined because the dickmilking filmmaker can't film for a goddamn shit. The classic side views are aiight for me. I like and can live with that. Underneath the chick is good too, but not zoomed in all the fucking way where I can't see shit. I want to see more shit, you sploogemouthed fuck.

I want you guys to cut the gay porn market. This includes any form of male on male penetration, male with dick in his mouth, male getting penetrated by a dildo, strap on, etc. The market is supposedly said by unnamed sources to be too small and there is no interest in it (in these parts!). Nobody likes faggots. Yes, you cuntaphobic homosexual supporters, lesbians too. Don't get me wrong, you sick shitbitch, lesbians are hot, but they are hell of boring. Go to a gay bar if you want some gay action. Gay bars are where you belong you fucking retarded dick fiend.

I'll discuss more when I find more cons. Maybe I'll make a Pros article too. In the meantime, fuck yourselves. As for the $20 to Haiti, I only have 2.6k views. Don't you want me to donate money to support them fucking poor earthquake-prone homelesses? Hurry the fuck up you fucked piece of shit! Click faster goddammit, you fucking idiots!

Sexy Bitches Column Preview

Ever walked down the street and saw a fine bitch? How about at the pool? Maybe sitting next to you in a class? Look 'em up and down and thought to yourself, "Damn, I'd tap that ass!"

Herman says some East Coast bitches are hot, but Herman can vouch for Jones when he says you can only get the finest beach girls in SoCal. You will only read about the finest, hottest bitch we find here, cause if you were fugly, you'd be in Trash Talk and/or Mutie Minutes. Not here. Who knows? Maybe you'll find yourself here. We're always on the lookout.

Jones and Herman are about to take you on a sight seeing tour of some of the hottest bitches of everyday life. There are no photos, but our detailed descriptions straight from our own two eyes is cause for some boner-inducing articles! These articles are not to jerk off to, you sick fuck, there's porn for that. This column will be updated weekly, because we don't want to spend the whole time posting articles about chicks. We have other columns to run.

Favorite Column Poll Results

Ladies and trash, the results are officially in. This poll decides the winner of the 2010 premature Trash Blog column favorite. Here we go.

The readers' choice favorite column is Fuck You God! Fuck You God is the newest column of the bunch, the underdog and the rookie. And at only 5 posts, it seems to have caught the attention of The Trash Blog trashful. Expert Herman attributes the victory to the fact that there are too many goddamn atheists these days. Not that's necessarily a bad thing. In fact, it's a very good thing actually.

Trash Talk took an early lead when the poll initially opened. The Trash Blog's poster column was a fan favorite with eclectic topics of discussion. Shit Talk...Literally and I'm a Douche eventually caught up by the end of the week. Readers must have liked Shit Talk like Trash Talk, except that it was actually about shit. I'm a Douche must have opened up followers' inner douches. Last weekend though, Fuck You God jumped out to a commanding lead. And this week, a late push by Shit Talk...Literally with Shit Week 2010 failed to avoid the upset. Dream Journal was never in the running from the start. Author Jones blames it on the trash who can't stomach graphic journalism. Pussies. "Fuck you guys," Jones says. "I don't care if you like this shit or not, it's still going on."

And there you have it. The Trash Blog is proud to announce, the early favorite in the running for 2010 Trash Blog Column of the Year, Fuck You God! Let's give it a round of applause before we conclude this poll with a fuck you, and have a nice day.

Jones wants to conclude this with an offer of $20 to Haiti if this blog reaches at least 4k views. So happy clicking, you trash!

Trash Talk
5 (18%)

Shit Talk...Literally
6 (22%)

I'm a Douche
4 (14%)

Dream Journal
3 (11%)

Fuck You God
9 (33%)

Votes so far: 27
Poll closed

About the Editors

You want to know more about us, don't you, you homos? Here's a bit to keep you satisfied, so shut the fuck up. This article was written by a third party member to prevent bias.

Name: Jones Andre Hewitt
Position: Editor-in-chief
Age: 18
Sex/Gender: Male
Race/Ethnicity: African American
Bio: Lives in Northern California but attends California State University [redacted for privacy reasons] down south. Hobbies include fishing, smoking pot, playing basketball, sleeping, and video games. His favorite food is submarine sandwiches, and his favorite drink is coffee. Two of his favorite things are the word "fuck" and the middle finger. Enjoys listening to rap music and his favorite musical artist is Snoop Dogg. In his free time he likes to invent new words, have sex, buy new shoes, and write for The Trash Blog. It is also noted that Jones is a fourth degree black belt in Jujitsu.

Name: Herman Carson
Position: Senior Editor
Age: 19
Sex/Gender: Male
Race/Ethnicity: German/Asian American
Bio: Hails from NorCal and goes to college in New York City. Hobbies are playing sports and video games, watching TV and movies, and of course writing for The Trash Blog with an emphasis on defecation. Interests are baseball, cars, and girls. Last meal on Earth would be medium rare prime rib with portobello mushroom sauce; buttery mashed potatoes with gravy; lightly salted green beans, carrots, and corn; cane sugar soda; and strawberry ice cream for dessert.

That's all for now you faggots. Now get the fuck out of our sights.

Hey asshole, catch!

Thought I forgot about being a douche? Hells no. I'm not going to spend all of Shit Week being doucheless, oh no, I got some serious cruelty to catch up on. That's right you pathetic fucklickers, I brought latex gloves to college for that.

I was taking a dump after I had no more classes to go to. It was the perfect day, and it was the perfect plan for a perfect attack. Everything was perfect except for one thing. There was no fucking victim. A douche cannot be without a victim. I was going to give up and flush the toilet when I heard the door creak open. Fuck yes! I reached in and grabbed two handfuls of shit. I peeked over. It was Dumbass from Psychology class. What luck! I screamed a battle cry and hurled the shit at him. "What the fu-" he began. WAP! A shit exploded across his white Abercrombie and Fitch sweatshirt. He held up his arms to cover his face as the second one pelted right through the opening and into his sweatshirt's neck. Then I ran, abandoning the gloves at a nearby bush. He doesn't know me. He prolly thought I was some psycho hiding in the stall or something. I'm proud to chuck shit on shit like him, like I'm Shaka Zulu, African warrior. Fuck it I'm too fucking high to write more to you motherfuckers. Later fuckthatcher.

Shit Stories Vol. 3: Slide Shit

Summer days...seems like there's light out all day and the days are endless. That's because summer days are the longest in the year...nice. When night falls, it isn't uncomfortably cold out. Instead it's one of those hot August nights, which makes for an opportune bike ride 'round.

Me and my friend Ryan were tired of playing video games inside and wanted to get some fresh air. But we sure as hell didn't want to walk around. A quick bike ride for fun, and we would call it a night. We packed two cans of Pepsi, placing them in the cup holders on the bike frames. I checked the tire air pressures and pumped the slightly flat ones accordingly. All set to go.

We kicked off into the night. We circled the immediate community for a while, before stopping at the local park to take a break. We grabbed the Pepsis and walked toward the playground. I ran up a low slide onto the platform of a jungle gym. Ryan took the stairs. We popped open our Pepsis and took a drink. I sipped my Pepsi staring out into the black. It was dark except for some streetlights surrounding the park. I turned to face Ryan, who had already finished his soda and was crumpling the can. "Where's the fire?" I said. He laughed. We talked about stuff, reminisced, nothing too important, and if you wanted to know, you can go ahead and fuck off, because I don't remember what we talked about. I finished my can.

"You feel like taking a shit?" Ryan asked.

I just realized I was drinking a carbonated beverage. Shit and carbon dioxide don't mix as you should already know. This makes for a pipe bomb, and your intestines are the pipes. My stomach was full of gas. And it was pushing on my intestines, which were pushing on my rectum. "Fucking a, I need to shit," I declared. There were no restrooms in this park or nearby for that matter. We were too far away from my house. The shit had its head out by now. I would never make it back without shitting my pants first. "We're going to have to shit somewhere around here, but there's just grass around here. No trees, no bushes, nothing to shit behind," I observed.

"Hey, you know what would be hilarious?" Ryan questioned. "If we shat down these slides. There's a spiral slide. That would be really fucking fun. I mean as long as we're going to take a dump somewhere here, let's shit down the slides."

Why the hell not? Ryan took the spiral slide up top, which required another set of steep stairs since it was so high up. I took a long and narrow straight slide. I stuck my ass into the tunnel and grunted. Upstairs I heard a plop of shit hitting metal and a subsequent laugh. I looked over and saw a long turd circling its way down to the bottom. The shit didn't make it to the ground, however, since the end of the slide was completely horizontal for a couple feet. That doesn't bode well for the next object going down the slide I thought. Meanwhile, I was trying my damnest to get my shit out. The coke really had me going, so this was supposed to be cake. I clenched my ass and cut the shit loose. The impact made a satisfying sound. I looked over my shoulder as the turd slid with speed towards the bottom of the slide. It fell apart on the way down. Some ended up on the slide still, while some made it to the tanbark. That shit was rock hard. No smudges or smears. No smell because essentially the shit cleared the vicinity right away. I didn't want to inspect its color or texture if it wasn't in my peripheral. Sometimes you have to let it go.

I once again looked over to see what Ryan was doing. He was done and was now standing up, pissing down the slide. The stream emptied out at the bottom uneventfully. Just one turd for me this time. I average two most of the time. Remaining in the squatting position, I relaxed my bladder. Fuck, bad idea. The hot ass yellow urine bounced off the slanted slide and was splashing all over the fucking place. I tried to slow down the stream. It's so difficult to make it stop. It feels so good to piss, and it hurts to get it to stop. I tried to move too since I couldn't get it to slow down enough to a point it would stop getting on me. I slipped. I had placed my left foot on the slide, which was now slippery because of the liquid. The force threw me forward down the slide. I was such in shock at my misfortune, the stream of piss was cut at once. My right foot was dragged and landed on the slide now. At this point I was sideways. Without thinking, I skateboarded/snowboarded down the slide to about midway, and then using the strength of my thighs, I extended my legs and jumped from a height of maybe three or four feet. Nevertheless, it was cool as I touchdowned smoothly.

I finished my piss on the the playground, spraying it across the structure. I looked at the bottoms of my shoes and saw that they were wet. I couldn't tell if there was shit on them because it was too dark. Just to be safe, I lifted my shoe onto the drinking fountain and rinsed them. I finished cleaning by wiping them on the grass. No harm done.

To this day, me and Ryan just can help but laugh at this memory, since it was so fucking ridiculous. We thought about people's reactions, kids or adults, when they discovered the feces, and how repulsed they would be. What kind of sicko would do such a thing to innocent children? Shit is shit and doesn't belong anywhere near us. By the time they got some poor fool to clean the shit up and deem the playground sanitary again, it would be too late. Kids had already slid down the dried up shit and piss slides. And we didn't just do it this one time. We had so much fun, we did it a few more times. It was a thrill ride. If you landed in our piles of human shit, then you deserve it, you trash.

And that's Shit Week 2010 for ya. We here at Trash Blog sincerely hope that you enjoyed reading shit 24/5. Good night and good shit.

Jones Hewitt's First Best Shit Journal Article Ever!

Four, tres, two, uno
Listen up bitch/ 'Cause this is it/ The shit I'm talking about is hella sick

Alright, I'm just fucking with y'all fuckheads. I'm not too familiar with writing shit journals, but I decided to give it a shot so I kindly ask you to please shut the fuck up. For this, I spent a day munching on snacks and had a full breakfast and lunch. For you nosy cum-slurping bastards, this was what I had for today: a cheese bagel, a can of Pepsi, a mug of coffee, a Big Gulp, two packages of Top Ramen, a bag of Sweet and Sour Doritos, and a Pepperoni Pizza Hot Pocket. Yes, bitch, I was fucking hungry. I work out a lot so I deserve it you, you chafed dick-shit. When 6:42 generously arrived, I went to take my dump. I turned on the radio and who else would go on but the pussy-bitch nigga Soulja Boy. Not gonna lie, his song was effective when I was taking my dump. Fuck Soulja Boy, that pathetic shit-dick snatch.

When I was done taking my shit, I saw it was a simple textbook soil colored shit. Nothing out of the ordinary. I would give it 4-5 inches maybe. I tossed in toilet paper as if I was attending a funeral for the Navy. I did not flush it so I could note the smell of the shit. There was no scent until it kicked in at exactly 40 seconds and it was fucking rancid. I flushed that fucker out, turned on the fan, washed my hands (you wash your hands after taking a shit you degenerate sicko) and read my magazines.

This was the kind of shit that make you yawn and smack your lips for something. Fucking weird. That's all for today. Fuck you ass-prone faggots who want more from me. For you insolent useless pieces of fucking trash who don't like this, if you can't stand the shit, then get the fuck out of here, you retarded homosexual failure of a fuck. If you come here just to be a disfigured fuck, why don't you be a useful shit-for-sale, you prematurely-ejaculating piece of fucking dickshit. Aiight, I've had enough of you cock-carrying douchebags reading my shit for today. Get the fuck outta here. Fuck you, fuck you.

Shit After Dark

My eyes opened at once. I could see nothing. It was pitch black. I had awaken in the middle of the night. The night of the worst day in a long time. I was just trying to sleep it off. I hate it when I wake up for no apparent reason. Interrupted sleep always makes me feel more tired during the next day. I closed my eyes again to go back to sleep. Lo and behold I felt something terrible down there once again. I must have swine flu or some shit. Since the H1N1 virus broke out, I had ignored the free vaccinations around school. I regretted it now when it was too late. Well I don't have swine flu, just fucking diarrhea. No cough, no sneeze, no runny nose, no nothing flu related. Just watery shit.

I ran out into the hallway without bothering to dress decently. This is a coed dorm, but there's no one out at this hour. I couldn't risk shitting my pants. That's fucking nasty. I would just throw away my soiled clothes. Once again like it was routine, I kicked open both doors to the toilet. This was an emergency, and I was in a hurry. There were toilet seat covers this time. I also took the time to throw one into the bowl. The pain wasn't as bad as previously. I sat down and prayed to God. "If there is a God, make it stop! Please God!" I pushed. Soggy shit leaked out of my asshole. The watery diarrhea wasn't just confined to my asshole, but it also seeped onto my ass cheeks. "Fuck you God!" The pain subsided. I wiped like 10 times again and flushed. I also went into the shower to rinse off my shitted up ass. Before I left the restroom, I looked at myself in the mirror. "What did I do to deserve this? Fucking God and Mexicans."

When I got back to my room, all I wanted to do was to sleep. I was tired. Another pang hit below. I winced and scrambled to the restroom again. For the second time, I had the same result. Watery shit exploded all over my ass. 10 wipes and another shower. After the wash while I was still in the restroom, I felt something again. "For fucking fuck's sake!" I threw open the stall door and angrily prepared the proper defecation procedure. Vomit inducing smelling diarrhea once again contaminated my asshole. I am so tired of this shit. I better not have fucking swine flu! 10 more fucking wipes, a third fucking shower, and I just wanted to kill God. Three times! Three motherfucking times God, explain that to me you trash!

I made it back to my room without feeling anything. My clock read 4 AM. It was a little passed 3 AM when this whole shit started. I laid down slowly on my back. Nothing. Closed my eyes, nothing. Fina-fucking-ly. Good fucking night.

Order up another shower for me tonight. God fuck.

Songs to Shit To

Behold the miracle of iPods and the radio in the bathroom! Now, when I'm in the bathroom dropping deuces, I like it when I have some tunes in the background. Because Herman told me about Shit Week a week prior, I had a week's time to gather extensive data about shit and music. Let's get crackin', you retarded dickmilk.

Here are my Top 5 results.

1. Eye of the Tiger by Survivor
   
   Survivor's song quickly starts your rectum going by a slamming introduction that causes an involuntarily clench that will help start loosening the shit lodged up your asshole. By the time the vocals begin, you're more than halfway done. A quick, efficient way to end a trip to the bathroom. This song is chosen for its status as a pro-athletic song and as you know it, no one takes a dump like an athlete. I'm a fucking athlete, bitch.
2. Tell Me Baby by Red Hot Chili Peppers
   
   The jazzy bass music brought to you by Flea presents to you a funky tune that even your bowels can't resist but to dance to. I'm especially talking about the chorus and the verses. Your shit will groove out like a plant during high speed photosynthesis before you can ask "what's your story?" The reason this song is chosen as Number 2 is because of the ding-dong sound that although may annoy you, it kicks ass in the bathroom. Trust me, shitlick.
3. Drop It Like It's Hot by Snoop Dogg
   
   Personally, I like the beat in the background. Simple and catchy, Snoop's voice makes it sound like you're listening to a mellow radio announcer that will soothe you, and you can take a proper shit in tranquility and peace. One of the best to shit to, yezzir. Snoop is the fucking shit. Fuck y'all. No complaints here, you witless cumchugger.
4. Kids by MGMT
   
   What causes shit to come out better than electronic-dance pop? MGMT takes it all away with a great beat and hypnotic vocals that will probably have you doing the robot while you shell out a few rolls of toilet paper for your filthy asshole. The chorus plays an amazing role in getting pesky shit out. I think this song is best played at the annoying midnight-3am shits. Best for college kids. College life, fuck yeah, you rhoid squeezing cock contrivers. Speaking of college, fuck you Asher Roth. You never went to college you dick deploying shit-for-sale. You pansy-ass queer.
5. Santeria by Sublime
   
   Santeria really does voodoo onto your lower intestines that work wonders. Perhaps your dump may not be the quickest and fastest, but this causes every drop of water to have a sense of jazzy comfort. Awesome reggae beat for a bomber. It helps the most when you know the words to the song. Let's see why this song is great. Cause Sublime's the fucking shit. If you didn't know that, you're a retarded cock-eating fuckwit. Get the fuck out of here. You disgust me.

I have hella songs on my iPod, and there's no fucking way I'm going through all of them. You're just going to have to take my word for it, you anus-wrecking douchebag. That's fucking ridiculous. You're a fucking idiot who needs his balls lopped off. Perhaps music you shit to is something different, but I honestly don't give a fuck what you listen to. You could listen to Party In The U.S.A. on the crapper, and I can give a flying fuck's shit about that. Keep your information to yourself. God, you're fucked up in the head. Go fuck yourself and get the fuck out of my sight, you congruous fuckheaded assmouth.

Just a reminder for you shitwits, two more nights of Shit Week! That's right you dick drinker, you don't want to miss this, you cock-cleaving fag-herding fuck. See you tomorrow, bitch!

Day of the Shit

Today was the worst day in my life as far as I can recall. I was almost reduced to tears this afternoon. My insides felt like they were going to explode, and an alien was going to come out vis-a-vis Resident Evil. I was headed to class just like any other normal day, and along the walk to the bus stop, I felt a blunt pang in my stomach. I brushed it off and boarded the bus to class. But Goddamn, multiple blows along the way made me want to turn back and collapse in my bed to sleep it off. I had to go to class though cause the bitch takes attendance, does in-class quizzes, and doesn't post her notes online. Bitch.

Throughout the lecture, I keeled over multiple times because of the enormous amount of pain I was experiencing. It would hit, then go away for a few minutes, then come back stronger than ever. I wanted to die. I felt faint. Sound was blocked out. The surroundings melted away as my vision blurred. Fuck you God. Why's this shit always have to happen to me? However, I'm not filing this under Fuck You God as you will come to see, this was a more biological cause than natural. This shit just had to happen to me during Shit Week. Fuck me upside down.

Then I felt something. Yes indeed, there was something stuck up my asshole. I farted, burped, no dice. I'm near the front in the middle of the row. There's no way to get out without making commotion. Fuck this class. This class is suppose to be a joke. Blame the bitch again because of the way she runs her class, everyone just has to be there. Plus I might miss attendance or quizzes and definitely notes while I'm shitting it out in the restroom. Fuck me right side up. I had to stay for one more excruciating hour. I leaned my head against my upright arm with my head down and closed my eyes to simulate sleeping. Hopefully it would stop the pain. It worked. But then class was over. I had to get up. Fuck me upside down again. I was leaning forward, grimacing as I walked to the bus stop. I didn't know where the fuck the restroom was in this fucking building, so I had no choice but to go back to an area where I knew where the fucking restrooms were. I just wanted to drop into a fetal position right then and there. I just wanted to shit it out behind the bushes. But it was fucking mid-day, the peak of the day. The whole fucking place was crowded.

The bus seemed to take forever to arrive. Once here, there was a mad (not in the sense of hella, so fuck yourself) scramble as always. Fuck this school. There needs to be an epidemic that wipes out half of the student body. Fucking public schools. A complete clusterfuck. So I had to stand up. Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me! There was fucking traffic. The restrooms were just a mile away, maybe even less. I was holding onto the bars in the bus for support, not just to hold on. Again the environment disappeared. I was feeling weak, tears in my eyes. I could've shitted my pants at that point. At long last the bus arrived at my stop. I shoved people out of the way, jumped into the crowd milling around the bus door, and broke out into a sprint to the fucking restroom.

I kicked open the restroom door, kicked open the stall door. It was hurting so bad. Just a few more seconds I thought as I laid down the toilet paper (no toilet seat covers). I slammed my ass down and let it go. Kill me now, it was the worst pain I had felt so far today, in my life. I finally cried. I screamed. Slowly the hard, stiff turd inched out of my asshole. Splash! Fuck me senseless. I forgot to throw some toilet paper into the bowl. Who gives a fuck now? A wet, germy asshole is better than no asshole at all. Yeah, other people's shit and piss were technically on my asshole now, but I still had shit to get done here. But fuck, the pain was still coming. I had more to give. Another rock hard deuce, another splash onto my ass. Still unbearable pain. Then it all rained down like a hurricane. Splatter shit ruptured out, detonating the toilet bowl. It looked like Osama bin Laden's cave. Every push and more diarrhea leaked out. My asshole was blazed up red hot. I broke down. With my asshole stained with my discharge and my pants down to my ankles, I banged the stall door repeatedly with my fist. "Why God? Why? Why me? Fuck yourself God. Go to hell God. God fuck!" I got myself together, unrolled a yard of paper and cleaned up my ass cheeks first. Yellow smelly sludge. I wanted to throw up it stunk so bad. I unrolled another yard and stuck it in the crack. Gush! "Oh come on! For fuck's sake!" 10 wipes later at a yard apiece, I got the last stain out, but I still felt dirty. I didn't bother to flush. A present of how bad things are in life for the next occupant. No one was here the whole time, so I grabbed another yard and went to the sink with my pants down and everything out. Dashed it with water, wiped once, and it came out clean. Dried my ass with another yard.

By the time I was done, I was going to be late for my next class. I didn't give two shits. I was just glad I survived this ordeal. The diarrhea had dehydrated me, so I went to the student store to get a flavor. The bus stop was right next to the store, so I looked at the ticker to see how much time I had before my bus came. 3 minutes. OK, that's enough time. I got my drink and went towards the register, but a girl cut in front of me. Not intentionally but no sweat. I paid, took a swig, and stepped outside. The bus driver closed the door in front of my face. Worst day ever.

Alright I have to wash my dirty asshole now. See ya tomorrow night you trash.

Herman Carson is a sick fuck

That's right, I'm talking about my degenerate sicko (not biologically related) cousin. We're cool with each other and all, and he visits me sometimes when he comes back from New York. But Goddamn. There are things I have to put my foot down. That's right. It has something to do with his disgusting "hobby".

Every time this sick fuck visits me, he always wants to take a shit in my bathroom. My fucking bathroom! I tell him to fuck off and take a shit in the public bathrooms down the hall, or maybe at the McDonald's or at the park or the mall, all nearby and at a reasonable walking distance. But no, do you know what that half-gook tells me? "Naw, man, it's no fun taking a shit in a public bathroom." What the fuck? Now I know your deliberately doing this, you fucking jackass.

He is very persistent and even proposed a challenge. Herman pulled out two Xbox controllers and challenged me to a duel of Halo. He knows I can fuck his shit up, but I still declined the offer. He got mad and proceeded into calling me a pussy, a fuck, and a nigger. I asked that douchebag what do I get out of it. He slapped down five dollars. Now the game is on. I grabbed my controller, and it was go time nigga.

This is Shit Week, so I'll cut the shit short. I lost, barely! That asshole looked at me triumphantly and strolled into my throne, my precious bathroom. Outside I heard that twisted, witless fuckass deliberately making disgusting groaning and grunting noises. I checked my Rolex. Seven minutes. Jesus H. Christ, what the fuck is he doing in there? I hear a flush and the washing of hands. The lock turned and the door opened. All of a sudden, a nasty haze loomed in. The smell hit me like a baseball bat. It smelled like a skunk farted in my room after fucking a decomposing corpse. I bolted for the windows and yanked them the fuck open. I turned on the fucking fan in the fucking restroom and closed the fucking door. "You faggot piece of shit!" I began while spraying layers of Febreze in the air. "This is why I don't let you shit in my bathroom, you asshole fuck." Herman laughed. "I hope you have a gas mask for when you need to take a shit. Eat a dick, bitch."

Sometimes we still play games for rights to take a shit in my bathroom, although I never really get what's so good about taking a shit in my bathroom. I win some, I lose some. Long story short, Herman fucking disgusts me. Other people need to use my toilet too, you prick. You piece of shit. Show some respect for other people for a change, you fuckwit assclown.

On a side note, new Government professor is a fucking cunt. She'd be hot if she wasn't such a bitch. Fuck yourself. Alright, nothing more to read about here. Get the fuck out of here you dick biting heterophobic cunts. Don't forget you chodes, it's Shit Week. Three more nights of shit infested action you wouldn't want to miss!

Great Brown Shit

I submitted my entry to the Mile High Club today. More like the Foot High Club though. Good thing I did it here at school in a public restroom on my floor. Piece of shit wouldn't have gone down my toilet at home. These public restroom toilets have like these built in vacuums or some shit. The force to pull the turd down is that strong. This shit seriously needed all 1.6 gallons of water to flush completely. I must've not shit for days. I wasn't keeping count. The amount of substance needed to comprise a foot long is unparalleled. Yes, once I got that internal feeling that something was backed up in my rectum, I knew this was going to a big one. How big I did not know, but I had to shit really bad. The bathroom was directly across from my room, so it only took like 10 seconds from rest in my room for my ass to be seated on the toilet with all the prearrangements done.

S-H-I-T, SHIT. Stories of Hardship, Interjection, and Triumph. These are the 3 fundamental stages of the defecation process. Damn that shit felt like it was going to explode out of my ass. The experience was painful. Every shit feels like the worst shit you've ever had thus far in your sorry life. It makes you feel like you were never born. This is child labor, giving birth to a turd. This one literally ripped my asshole wide open. I looked down to check on my progress. The head was out. "Push! Fuuuck! Umph! Fucking fuck! Aarrgh! Fuck me! Bitch! Shit! Son of a bitch! Fuck you God!" It just kept going and going and going. Slowly but surely. 4 inches, 5 inches, 6 inches. I'm above average now. 8, 9, 10! Leapshitted 7. This is Frankenstein's baby right here. 11, 11 and a half, and 12, cut-off. "Daaamn," I said as it slipped out at last. I felt so good inside now. Like this heavy weight inside me was finally alleviated. My asshole felt so relieved.

This was a shit of epic proportions. 12 motherfucking inches. A fucking foot long. So long that even though it settled far into the drainage hole, the shit still stuck up maybe 4 inches above surface of the water. You know what that means. I had to bail. And fast. A clean wipe the first try, and I pulled up my pants. I turned around to get one last look at it and kicked the handle. My last impression was that it was a slender, skinny shit, but bone me up the butthole was it the longest shit I had ever conceived in my entire life. Abraham Lincoln would've been proud.

Food and Shit

Today I had to shit during lunchtime. Because I wanted to conserve my minutes and because this felt like a hot one, I decided to bring my food with me. My menu is a homemade hand-crafted beauty sub sandwich, Sweet & Sour Doritos Nachos, and Cherry Kool-Aid. I properly positioned myself so I could enjoy lunch: back straight, food to the side, and both hands on my sub with my pants around my ankles. While I was eating, I had a funny thought: food coming in, food coming out, simultaneously. At my feet lay last month's edition of High Times. It's my fucking house, no biggie.

My stomach rumbled, and shit flopped out like a torpedo. Before the stank could come out I was prepared and fired some Febreze into the air. Now I could eat my lunch with a tropical scent in the environment. I put some of my Doritos into my sandwich and took a big bite out of it. It was delicious. I dropped another round into the john. With my feet I turned the pages of the magazine with ease. The radio was on, and it was a very comfortable environment. In fact, I spent longer in the bathroom than I expected. I finished eating lunch and most of the magazines. I looked at my watch. I've been on the can for forty-five minutes, three minutes doing the actual shit. I tossed my paper plates and red cup and wiped my ass. I flushed the toilet and washed my hands with soap. I grabbed my magazine and slept on the couch.

I find taking a shit while eating to be perfectly fine. If you want to say something like "that's disgusting", no, for you homosexuals to be sucking another guy's dick, now that's disgusting. Who the fuck fucking cares? AFTER I fucking finish my sandwich, I'm gonna be wiping my asshole. It's not like I wiped my asshole before making my delicious layered sub. It's not like I wiped my asshole while eating my sub. I like to fucking eat, and I like to fucking shit. Besides, after I wipe my ass and wash my hands, it's the same fucking hands. About shit particles, that shit particles go on your toothbrushes too, so it's fucking fine. Stop being a fucking bitch, okay? I drink my morning coffee on the john every morning. Fuck you, eat a dick, motherfucker!

Shit Stories Vol. 2: Urinal Shit

On January 25, Shit Week 2010 begins. Get ready for five nights of the biggest, most shit-infested articles you've ever seen...

Jones (on the john): This is gonna be a big shit. AARRGH.

Herman Carson and guest columnist Jones Hewitt take you on an adventure across the (toilet) waters.

Herman (wiping his ass): Holy fucking damn it to hell shit on a stick fuck! Fu-fu-fu-fu-fu-fu-fu-fuck!

It all kicks off with an untamed, brand new Shit Story at 9 PM Pacific only on The Trash Blog.

I was doing my laps at the community pool one night, when a bunch of faggots hopped the fence to get in the Jacuzzi. These trash got drunk right away and were being annoying little bitches to everyone else in the pool that night. Those people, who were sick and tired of this shit, got up and out of the pool, showered, got changed in the restroom, and left within the span of 10 minutes. I, however, continued swimming my laps, but I became increasingly annoyed with these fucktards. I decided to give them a little going away present.

I knew the fuckers would have to change in the restroom at one point, so what's more despicable and repulsive then the sight and smell of shit? As I was showering, I thought about possible locations in the restroom where I should lay the bomb. I even considered the plight of the janitor. Should Pedro have to suffer cleaning my act of defiance against faux mental retards? Yes and no. There were greater stakes at risk. Take one for the team, Pedro, and these douchebags will get what they deserve. But you still have to throw away their beer cans. My duty is to make them blind and fuck up their senses of smell and taste. Not my job.

I pushed open the restroom door with my target selected. My shit could not be watered down in the toilet, for the smell would go to waste. My mission was to find a drain with an immediate water source for the sake of Pedro such as the sink...or the urinal. I stuck my ass into the urinal and groaned. I laid a sickly looking piece of shit. It was a very light brown and came out hot, lighting my ass on fire. This was diarrhea flavored without the dehydration. "Perfect," I thought. "That should make it worth their while."

Then it hit me. Like a speeding bus, like a fucking tsunami. Holy fucking damn it to hell shit on a stick fuck! My nostrils had never ever in their lives ever registered a scent like this. It was out of this world, alien shit or some shit. I full on barreled into the stalls, breaking the lock, and grabbed rolls and rolls of toilet paper. "Fu-fu-fu-fu-fu-fu-fu-fuck!" I could not wipe my ass clean for the life of me. The shit had stained my asshole yellow brown. I panicked. I thought I was going to die that night. I couldn't breath. The shit smell was so overwhelming I began to sweat and hyperventilate. I was running out of oxygen. But I was determined to survive this ordeal with a clean ass and not shit in my pants. After jamming 10 handfuls of paper up my ass and a dab of sink water, I finally got my ass clean. Without bothering to pull up my pants, I dived out of the restroom. I ripped those pants up and happily breathed in a relief of fresh, pure, unadulterated air.

I ran behind the bathroom and waited for the dumb shits to enter their doom. While I was waiting, I thought about what had just happened. I didn't know a shit could unleash so much power. There's a reason for toilet water other than flushing shit, and that's to keep the goddamn stank from killing us all. Shit out water is no laughing matter. I'm being really serious right now. You could die. Don't let this happen to you.

I heard the gay ass gangbangers walk into the restroom. I guess they had like T minus 1 second before they experienced excruciating pain. Perhaps they were in shock because I had time to run around back while they were yelling their heads off. "What the f? Oh my God, who the fuck shit in the urinal? Kill me now God! Please..." For good measure, I crushed a few bags of stink bomb and tossed them onto the restroom floor. I slammed the door shut and pulled on the door with all my strength, so they could not get out. They screamed and banged on the door. I laughed manically. They begged for their lives. I finally relented and hauled ass.

Shit Week 2010

S | SHITTY

The following segment is rated "S" for Shitty and may contain shit.

[Cue scary music]

"You never know what's happening. You don't know where it's coming from. But all of the sudden it's there. And there's nothing you can do about it."

"We arrived on the first of July. And it all started to go wrong."

[Intense music]

"And there's something terrible about the way they're moving. And Jones is freaking out. And now...I am totally engulfed in panic as well."

"Watch out!"

[Yelp of pain]

"Help! Help me!"

[Scream]

"Herman Carson, and I'm here on the shitter. Whoa I got a great brown hitting me. Here he is."

"When the shit venture away from the shallows to flush, they become the flushed."

"In the daytime we can study shits, but at night, shits are a mystery."

[Uptempo music]

SHIT OUT OF WATER

GREAT BROWN SHIT

DAY OF THE SHIT

SHIT AFTER DARK

SLIDE SHIT SUMMER

[Music fades]

SHIT WEEK
MONDAY 9P

"Shit Week starts Monday at 9. It's all new on The Trash Blog."

Shit Stories Vol. 1: Corn Shit

Every shit has its own story, even if the number two was dropped in your own bathroom. It doesn't matter where the tragedy occurs, whatever transpires becomes an invaluable experience that you will cherish for the rest of your life. I present to you Shit Stories: Cautionary Tales of Defecation Lore...

Ah Fridays. When the clock strikes 3, the weekend officially begins. I don't have to walk the halls of this godforsaken school for two plus days. The walk home from school is long, but Friday afternoons are always more enjoyable. The sun is out as me and my friend Mark, who lives near me, trek off the school grounds toward our neighborhood. I asked Mark, "Are you thirsty?"

Mark replied, "I could use a tasty beverage."

We stopped by a grocery store along the way. I bought a bottle of Pepsi and a bag of barbecue CornNuts. Mark got Pepsi too but opted for a larger after school snack: two pounds of chicken strips and potato wedges. Little did I know, my transaction was going to haunt me.

Mark devoured his food. He was done in about 5 minutes. I on the other hand, took my sweet time by sucking the barbecue seasoning off each and every CornNut and then swallowing. I asked Mark if he wanted to hang out for a while at my place. He agreed and we turned the corner into my cul-de-sac. My intestines turned over. I really had to take a dump. Without saying a word, I sprinted up the court. I could feel the shit poking its head out of my ass. I spotted a hole in the ground on my neighbor's yard. The landscaper was here, probably in the backyard, to plant a tree or some shit. "Ah why the hell not," I thought to myself. I squatted over the hole and strained.

This shit felt weird. As it came out of my ass, I could feel little bumps around my asshole. And it hurt. Something wasn't right. This shit was going to be longer than average, maybe a 6 incher. The turd hit the soil. I pulled up my pants and turned around to see my work.

"What...the...fuck?!"

Those words didn't come out of my mouth. It came out of Mark's. Mark had finally caught up with me just as I was finished turning around. He was looking down inside the hole. He looked up at me and looked down again. I peered down into the hole as well.

"What...the...fuck?!"

This time those were my words. There it was, my mutant turd. I shouldn't have swallowed those CornNuts whole. Because the piece of shit had kernels of corn sticking out of it. Neatly arranged in rows, it was like someone took a corn cob and just dipped it in mud or some shit. With the exception of the one pointy end of the shit, the head, it was a replica of corn on the cob. There's yellow ear of corn, white ear of corn, and now brown ear of corn. And "whoo wee" did it smell like a shit hole. It was a one man shit hole.

Me and Mark laughed and went into my house. A few hours later when Mark had to go home, we walked outside. The landscaper had planted a rose bush in my shit hole. It was a beautiful flower shrub with red petals. The next spring the plant grew tenfold. It was the healthiest rose plant I've ever seen. I picked a few flowers and gave them to a girl. She said they smelled great.

Why I Am Vulgar

Why am I vulgar? Why you ask? Well isn't that a stupid fucking question? Why are you a faggot? Why are you mentally retarded? You penis cocktrap, you shitslut. Truth is, I don't give a fuck about you guys. Eat a dick.

Many people ask me to stop being vulgar, complain about my language and how my blog makes them feel like shit. What do I have to say about that? Tell it to someone who fucking cares, you shitstained asshole fuckface. Perhaps my writing becomes un-fucking-readable in some cases, but who gives a shit? This ain't your fucking blog, dick sucking fuckass. Fuck off. You pieces of garbage don't understand my new modern classic literature. I haven't been paid yet so this is like community service for me. If any motherfucker out there should complain, it would be me, but I ain't trippin. This site is my hobby and I find this shit fun. The point of this blog is for you to relax, read, and shut the fuck up. If you don't like it, then go dick around somewhere else and eat shit you piece of shitbitch cockfuck asswipe. Oh yeah, and fuck you God for giving me a fucking C in Psychology, fuck you.

Suck a cock, you ass eating faggots.

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To Catch a Queer

Uhhhhh, cracka you gay.

That's right you gay homo faggot queer. There were three empty seats to my left, in between a girl and me. You don't know her and you don't know me, so sit in the middle. That's the rule. You always leave an empty seat between strangers. Just like you don't sit next to someone on the bus when there are empty seats all over the fucking place. I suppose the lecture hall was filling up, but there were three seats of separation, three! More than enough. If you want to sit next to someone for who knows what reason, sit next to the girl. This ain't a bar, this is a fucking place for intellectuals. So fuck off! You made me feel very uncomfortable back there. I don't appreciate that at all. I have no problems with homosexuals, but this I can't stand for. Man, can you imagine taking it up the ass? I can't. Damn that's disgusting. I'm not homophobic.

That's all for this edition of Mutie Minutes Friday. For Jones Hewitt and all of us at The Trash Blog, good night.

Dream No. 5

Wassup bitch? Since it's raining like a fucking dick, I decided to have a "high movie party", where I order pizza from Little Caesars with the new boneless Caesar chicken strips and some good grass I got, pop in a film and watch and shit. Douche thing I did today? I didn't tip the pathetic fuck working there. Rolling the perfect J, I invited my friend Shanya to come over and get high with me. We got hella stoned and she looked through my many DVD's. She saw Deep Blue Sea and she laughed and was like, "Dude...that movie's so old school. Let's watch that shit!" We did. When the movie was over, I felt hella sleepy so I told that bitch to get the fuck off my property. She didn't want to so I told her if she wanted to stay she can fuck off and play my laptop or Xbox or PS3 or Wii or watch cable or some shit, but stay the fuck out of my sight. She agreed and laughed highly. Wanting to only take a small nap, I grabbed a blanket and stipped into my boxers and slept on my Lovesac.

I awoke to find myself on an island. I was still in my boxers. I guess I was a native. On the beach there was a smashed cruise boat and like five passengers. They were all upset or some shit. A captain came to me and said I was out cold for hours. "Fuck you man," I replied, smiling weakly. "What the fuck did you do? Hit an iceberg in the Carribean, you fucking idiot?"

"Actually, you black piece of shit, a shark did it."

I laughed. I looked over and saw someone on the cliffs. They were fighting and one of the guys punched the other off the cliff. I think I knew the puncher, but that wasn't important. The biggest fucking shark I've ever seen in my life promptly jumped out of the water and ate the dude who was screaming as he was dragged into the water. Holy fucking Jesus. Now there's only four of us left. Amongst the us five was a fine ass white bitch with fine titties and her clothes were off. Fucking nice. First plan of action? Get some pussy. Second, get the fuck out of this island. Third plan? Get fucking wasted and forget about all of this. Too long and shit, so I'll abridge the boring parts. Pretty much a 12 minute sex scene with me up in some blonde cunt, bitched out by an old asshole, and being scowled at by the other survival. I got some of what I needed, fuck yourselves. We looked into the water and there was a fucking huge dorsal fin. An airplane tried to come save us and got its shit fucked up cause that shark could fucking jump. A bloody badge washes ashore and the captain became suicidal because his son (the airplane pilot) got eaten so he jumps into the water. The shark grabbed him, tore him to shreds as me and the other dude grabbed his arm and it tore off like a piece of ham. I screamed and the other guy told me to shut the fuck up and started climbing. I did not have time to argue because it was fucking raining, did I forget that? The shark jumped out of the water and mauled the girl. To those who think I gave a shit, I ain't a sucker. I can get a bitch anytime. What it did do, was cause me to literally shit my pants. The guy made it before me to the top, grabbed my hand and helped me up. His backstory was he was some fag who used to deliver pizza who became criminal. He then turned and hit me on the head with a rock. He tried to throw me off the cliff, but I karate chopped him in the neck and kicked him in the shin. I picked him up by the shirt collar and pants and threw him into the water. He held on so I flew in with him. The shark charged at him, tearing him to shreds. The shark looked at me with its black eyes, like saying to me, "It's your turn you asshole bitch". Oh shit.

Then I woke up. Fuck me senseless. I was hella sweaty. I went to take a piss and washed my face. It's still raining like a bitch. I went to the kitchen. Fucking Shanya was there. "What the fuck are you doing here?" I asked. She told me I said she could stay. She saw I had wood. Then I got a blowjob, but I don't recall how or what I said to get that. All's well ends well.

No you fucking asshole faggot motherfucking piece of shitfaced dickfuck. I'm not afraid of sharks in real life, you assfister. Perhaps my dream journal this time isn't clear for you faggots to read, but that's fine cause I remember it like it was with full detail. Who gives a shit about you? I knew I should have learned the first time smoking marijuana before going to bed, but hey, this was actually pretty cool. Go fuck yourself. The moral of my story is after sleeping, always have a bitch around. Then you can get some head after you wake up. Never a dude, you stupid cocklick. I bet you are gay, you stupid shitbitch.

Hella v. Mad

OPENING STATEMENT

MR. CARSON: Thank you, your Honor. May it please the Court.
THE COURT: Counsel.
MR. CARSON: Ladies and gentleman of the jury, fuck New York and New Jersey fuckers and all y'all for making fun of Californians for saying "hella" instead of "hell of". They should shut the fuck up about saying "mad" all the time. That was mad funny. That was mad cool. Sounds hella fucking dumb. Being geographically closer to the United Kingdom really has its impressionable effects. They should start saying more British words like bloody and mum. Fucking limeys, the lot of 'em.

On a related note, fuck Marco Polo for bringing Asian tea to Europe and fucking it up. I just spat out a cup of PG Tips tea. Britain's best my ass. My fucking ass. This shit doesn't taste good at all. Ten Ren beats the shit out of PG Tips any day of the week. Any hour of the day. Any minute of the hour. And Any second of the minute. Capiche? Get that fucking limey tea out of my face.

I rest my case.

Never ever drink yellow Gatorade

I was walking down towards the park, a basketball under my arm when I saw a bottle of Lemon-Lime Gatorade in a crate by the soda machines. I helped myself to it. I wasn't thirsty, so I thought to myself how fucking funny it would be if I took a piss in it and maybe...just maybe, some ignorant retarded fuck would drink out of it. It would be fucking awesome! I opened it...it was sealed. This was a fresh Gatorade! I waterfalled some of it so it wouldn't be full. And then I did the deed. I pissed through a funnel I happened to find on the side of the park so every drop slipped directly into the bottle. No mess and no fuss. Feeling sly, I crept back and sealed the bottle shut. My experiment began!

First I hid the bottle so it would have time for the foam to die down and for the bottle to not be so warm (common sense you piece of shit fuck). Afterwards, bottle in hand, I made it to the basketball courts. I placed the bottle on the bleachers and shot my hoops for a good 45 minutes. I'm the fucking man. I checked my experiment. The foam was not very visible and the bottle was no longer body temperature, but a mild lukewarm. I left the courts, and I saw some weird kids enter. I stopped and pretended to tie my shoelaces when I see from the corner of my eye one of the kids eyeball the Gatorade. What a fucking moron! I knew I had to witness this.

The kid opened the bottle with haste and waterfalled it. He winced when instead of lemon-lime, he got urine flavored taste in his mouth! He swallowed, wiped his face, and spat on the ground. His friends passed the bottle around wondering what the fuck was with his expression. I looked with great pleasure as each and every one of them made an "oh my fucking God I think I'm feeling sick" expression. What fucking retards! I don't care if they autistic or on drugs or some shit. These motherfuckers were just plain dumb, for fucks sake! I held in my laughter as I walked away. Out of earshot, I fucking haven't fucking laughed that fucking hard in a fucking long time. Ah, kids these days. I'm surprised a generation would soon be overrun by assclowns who drink shit they find on the ground. What if there was fucking GHB in there? The worthless pieces of shit would've been out cold. I can't emphasize how retarded people are nowadays.

Moral? Don't fucking drink shit you find on the ground, you fucking ass-whoring dick gleamer. Otherwise shit will happen to your dumbass and you'll deserve it. It's not fucking rocket science, comprende? Nothing more to say, back to your cock duty, you fucking livestock boner.

Racist Asian Commercial

Some of you might not know what 99 Ranch Market (aka Ranch 99) is because most of its stores are located in California and a few other Western states, but all you need to know is that it is an Asian supermarket. That means Asians only. You won't fucking find fucking fried chicken, fucking potato wedges, and fucking potato salad at the fucking deli. No it's fucking unpackaged raw meat and a fucking fresh fish market. You can take your frozen fish and go on and get the hell out of here you little bitch. Ranch 99 is the shit.

To my dismay though, I recently saw a local TV commercial that changed my perception of grocery for gooks forever. They dared to film an entire advertisement featuring solely white people shopping inside the store. White people for fuck's sake! Sure I live in a predominantly white region, but they just shat in the face of the main customer base. We will not take this quietly. I will admit that this commercial will not stop Asians from shopping there, but they couldn't have filmed at least one Oriental? Fuck! Who the fuck hired the advertising agency? You can't get more white people to come buy Asian shit. They have Safeway's, Lucky's, Raley's (all Californian), a whole shit load of American grocery stores. They have Panda Express and its shit Americanized Chinese fast food. No Pocky for them goddammit. Damn I hate when I see white people in a sea of gooks at Ranch 99. You don't belong here obviously, so get the fuck out. That goes the same for you Arabs. For 30 excruciating seconds I was looking for gooks and chinks, and the only Asians I saw were shunted to the side out of focus. Unbelievable and unacceptable. I'm forwarding this to Ranch 99 and the Better Business Bureau. Ranch 99 doesn't care about yellow people.