Food and Shit

Today I had to shit during lunchtime. Because I wanted to conserve my minutes and because this felt like a hot one, I decided to bring my food with me. My menu is a homemade hand-crafted beauty sub sandwich, Sweet & Sour Doritos Nachos, and Cherry Kool-Aid. I properly positioned myself so I could enjoy lunch: back straight, food to the side, and both hands on my sub with my pants around my ankles. While I was eating, I had a funny thought: food coming in, food coming out, simultaneously. At my feet lay last month's edition of High Times. It's my fucking house, no biggie.

My stomach rumbled, and shit flopped out like a torpedo. Before the stank could come out I was prepared and fired some Febreze into the air. Now I could eat my lunch with a tropical scent in the environment. I put some of my Doritos into my sandwich and took a big bite out of it. It was delicious. I dropped another round into the john. With my feet I turned the pages of the magazine with ease. The radio was on, and it was a very comfortable environment. In fact, I spent longer in the bathroom than I expected. I finished eating lunch and most of the magazines. I looked at my watch. I've been on the can for forty-five minutes, three minutes doing the actual shit. I tossed my paper plates and red cup and wiped my ass. I flushed the toilet and washed my hands with soap. I grabbed my magazine and slept on the couch.

I find taking a shit while eating to be perfectly fine. If you want to say something like "that's disgusting", no, for you homosexuals to be sucking another guy's dick, now that's disgusting. Who the fuck fucking cares? AFTER I fucking finish my sandwich, I'm gonna be wiping my asshole. It's not like I wiped my asshole before making my delicious layered sub. It's not like I wiped my asshole while eating my sub. I like to fucking eat, and I like to fucking shit. Besides, after I wipe my ass and wash my hands, it's the same fucking hands. About shit particles, that shit particles go on your toothbrushes too, so it's fucking fine. Stop being a fucking bitch, okay? I drink my morning coffee on the john every morning. Fuck you, eat a dick, motherfucker!