Shit Stories Vol. 1: Corn Shit

Every shit has its own story, even if the number two was dropped in your own bathroom. It doesn't matter where the tragedy occurs, whatever transpires becomes an invaluable experience that you will cherish for the rest of your life. I present to you Shit Stories: Cautionary Tales of Defecation Lore...

Ah Fridays. When the clock strikes 3, the weekend officially begins. I don't have to walk the halls of this godforsaken school for two plus days. The walk home from school is long, but Friday afternoons are always more enjoyable. The sun is out as me and my friend Mark, who lives near me, trek off the school grounds toward our neighborhood. I asked Mark, "Are you thirsty?"

Mark replied, "I could use a tasty beverage."

We stopped by a grocery store along the way. I bought a bottle of Pepsi and a bag of barbecue CornNuts. Mark got Pepsi too but opted for a larger after school snack: two pounds of chicken strips and potato wedges. Little did I know, my transaction was going to haunt me.

Mark devoured his food. He was done in about 5 minutes. I on the other hand, took my sweet time by sucking the barbecue seasoning off each and every CornNut and then swallowing. I asked Mark if he wanted to hang out for a while at my place. He agreed and we turned the corner into my cul-de-sac. My intestines turned over. I really had to take a dump. Without saying a word, I sprinted up the court. I could feel the shit poking its head out of my ass. I spotted a hole in the ground on my neighbor's yard. The landscaper was here, probably in the backyard, to plant a tree or some shit. "Ah why the hell not," I thought to myself. I squatted over the hole and strained.

This shit felt weird. As it came out of my ass, I could feel little bumps around my asshole. And it hurt. Something wasn't right. This shit was going to be longer than average, maybe a 6 incher. The turd hit the soil. I pulled up my pants and turned around to see my work.

"What...the...fuck?!"

Those words didn't come out of my mouth. It came out of Mark's. Mark had finally caught up with me just as I was finished turning around. He was looking down inside the hole. He looked up at me and looked down again. I peered down into the hole as well.

"What...the...fuck?!"

This time those were my words. There it was, my mutant turd. I shouldn't have swallowed those CornNuts whole. Because the piece of shit had kernels of corn sticking out of it. Neatly arranged in rows, it was like someone took a corn cob and just dipped it in mud or some shit. With the exception of the one pointy end of the shit, the head, it was a replica of corn on the cob. There's yellow ear of corn, white ear of corn, and now brown ear of corn. And "whoo wee" did it smell like a shit hole. It was a one man shit hole.

Me and Mark laughed and went into my house. A few hours later when Mark had to go home, we walked outside. The landscaper had planted a rose bush in my shit hole. It was a beautiful flower shrub with red petals. The next spring the plant grew tenfold. It was the healthiest rose plant I've ever seen. I picked a few flowers and gave them to a girl. She said they smelled great.