Let the games begin!

I was taking a dump in a restaurant bathroom following the "Do's and Don'ts" of Herman Carson (See "PSA: Public Restrooms") in Queens, New York. I won't go into the details of my dump, not to steal from the shine of The Shit Journal. Anyways, during me dropping my deuces, I hear some other random person taking a dump. As I was washing my hands with soap, I had a brilliant idea after a movie I had seen a few times in my life. Opening the door, I dramatically said in a deep voice "Game Over!" in imitation of the dreaded Jigsaw Killer of the Saw series. I flipped off (and jammed) the light switch and heard a satisfying gasp of horror. I slammed the door shut, locked it from the outside and for good measure, barricaded the door with a nearby decorative plant. If I was in this man's situation, I would pull out my cell phone as a light source (and to text some bitches and hoes), carry on, and shit in the dark. I thought to myself, "Damn, that guy's life sucks. I think I'm gonna watch me some Saw!" Chuckling to myself, I believe that was a douche move well played.

New Year's Resolution? This year, I haven't been that much of a douche, so to make up for my lack of douchebagginess, I dedicate a whole year of doing at least one act of douchebaggery a day. That's right, assholes, every day is guaranteed to have me, Jones Andre Hewitt, to act a punk motherfucking fool.