Shit Tips

Ever felt constipated? Yup I hate that feeling too. I know in my heart I really had to shit, but once I held it in too long and the urge to shit was gone, I was stuck on the shitter for hours. Never fear. I present to you 6 tips for more efficient shitting in no particular order.

• Down a can of coke (at least 12 fluid ounces). Let that settle in and what do you know. All that carbon dioxide gas inside your stomach launches that pesky shit out of your ass.
• Do the 2 middle finger salute to God. Look up to the ceiling or sky, put your arms up, and flick off God while using your abs to squeeze out that shit as hard as you can. Even if it makes your head hurt.
• Zen style that shit. Make a circle with your thumb and any finger on both hands. Turn your palms face up and raise your arms. If you can cross your legs and somehow shit at the same time, go for it. Close your eyes and relax your face and body. That shit will ease itself out. Magic.
• Get some reading material. Reading will relax your intestines, making it easier to push the shit out.
• If you're having a big meal, eat those greens. Or else the lack of fiber intake will come back to bite you in the ass. Fiber wraps that shit up nicely so that it slips out of your asshole.
• If all else fails, try some laxatives. I would go for the more natural approaches detailed above instead of using chemicals to fuck up your body.
  

Happy shitting!