Day of the Shit

Today was the worst day in my life as far as I can recall. I was almost reduced to tears this afternoon. My insides felt like they were going to explode, and an alien was going to come out vis-a-vis Resident Evil. I was headed to class just like any other normal day, and along the walk to the bus stop, I felt a blunt pang in my stomach. I brushed it off and boarded the bus to class. But Goddamn, multiple blows along the way made me want to turn back and collapse in my bed to sleep it off. I had to go to class though cause the bitch takes attendance, does in-class quizzes, and doesn't post her notes online. Bitch.

Throughout the lecture, I keeled over multiple times because of the enormous amount of pain I was experiencing. It would hit, then go away for a few minutes, then come back stronger than ever. I wanted to die. I felt faint. Sound was blocked out. The surroundings melted away as my vision blurred. Fuck you God. Why's this shit always have to happen to me? However, I'm not filing this under Fuck You God as you will come to see, this was a more biological cause than natural. This shit just had to happen to me during Shit Week. Fuck me upside down.

Then I felt something. Yes indeed, there was something stuck up my asshole. I farted, burped, no dice. I'm near the front in the middle of the row. There's no way to get out without making commotion. Fuck this class. This class is suppose to be a joke. Blame the bitch again because of the way she runs her class, everyone just has to be there. Plus I might miss attendance or quizzes and definitely notes while I'm shitting it out in the restroom. Fuck me right side up. I had to stay for one more excruciating hour. I leaned my head against my upright arm with my head down and closed my eyes to simulate sleeping. Hopefully it would stop the pain. It worked. But then class was over. I had to get up. Fuck me upside down again. I was leaning forward, grimacing as I walked to the bus stop. I didn't know where the fuck the restroom was in this fucking building, so I had no choice but to go back to an area where I knew where the fucking restrooms were. I just wanted to drop into a fetal position right then and there. I just wanted to shit it out behind the bushes. But it was fucking mid-day, the peak of the day. The whole fucking place was crowded.

The bus seemed to take forever to arrive. Once here, there was a mad (not in the sense of hella, so fuck yourself) scramble as always. Fuck this school. There needs to be an epidemic that wipes out half of the student body. Fucking public schools. A complete clusterfuck. So I had to stand up. Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me! There was fucking traffic. The restrooms were just a mile away, maybe even less. I was holding onto the bars in the bus for support, not just to hold on. Again the environment disappeared. I was feeling weak, tears in my eyes. I could've shitted my pants at that point. At long last the bus arrived at my stop. I shoved people out of the way, jumped into the crowd milling around the bus door, and broke out into a sprint to the fucking restroom.

I kicked open the restroom door, kicked open the stall door. It was hurting so bad. Just a few more seconds I thought as I laid down the toilet paper (no toilet seat covers). I slammed my ass down and let it go. Kill me now, it was the worst pain I had felt so far today, in my life. I finally cried. I screamed. Slowly the hard, stiff turd inched out of my asshole. Splash! Fuck me senseless. I forgot to throw some toilet paper into the bowl. Who gives a fuck now? A wet, germy asshole is better than no asshole at all. Yeah, other people's shit and piss were technically on my asshole now, but I still had shit to get done here. But fuck, the pain was still coming. I had more to give. Another rock hard deuce, another splash onto my ass. Still unbearable pain. Then it all rained down like a hurricane. Splatter shit ruptured out, detonating the toilet bowl. It looked like Osama bin Laden's cave. Every push and more diarrhea leaked out. My asshole was blazed up red hot. I broke down. With my asshole stained with my discharge and my pants down to my ankles, I banged the stall door repeatedly with my fist. "Why God? Why? Why me? Fuck yourself God. Go to hell God. God fuck!" I got myself together, unrolled a yard of paper and cleaned up my ass cheeks first. Yellow smelly sludge. I wanted to throw up it stunk so bad. I unrolled another yard and stuck it in the crack. Gush! "Oh come on! For fuck's sake!" 10 wipes later at a yard apiece, I got the last stain out, but I still felt dirty. I didn't bother to flush. A present of how bad things are in life for the next occupant. No one was here the whole time, so I grabbed another yard and went to the sink with my pants down and everything out. Dashed it with water, wiped once, and it came out clean. Dried my ass with another yard.

By the time I was done, I was going to be late for my next class. I didn't give two shits. I was just glad I survived this ordeal. The diarrhea had dehydrated me, so I went to the student store to get a flavor. The bus stop was right next to the store, so I looked at the ticker to see how much time I had before my bus came. 3 minutes. OK, that's enough time. I got my drink and went towards the register, but a girl cut in front of me. Not intentionally but no sweat. I paid, took a swig, and stepped outside. The bus driver closed the door in front of my face. Worst day ever.

Alright I have to wash my dirty asshole now. See ya tomorrow night you trash.