Jones' Douche Guide: Being a douche is hard work

This article is special because today, this blog post is not about me being a douche, but more of a how to be a douche. This is a simple step by step process that is relatively easy but a delicate art. Few people can master being a great douche, because with "great douchebagginess comes great responsibility of being an ass." You, my nigga, have an obligation to uphold. As I said, if you don't have the basics, you're a fucking idiot. I'm trying to revolutionize the word douche. The douche and the douchebag are two seperate things. I'm not talking about the douchebag, a sensitive queer white boy with the crooked hat. I'm talking about the self-absorbed asshole who takes shit from nobody. I hope you're taking notes, ya shit.

Requirements for Being a Douche

What, you think douches just grow on trees? You're a fucking idiot! Of course there's requirements. If you do not fall under all of these categories, you cannot be considered a douche! Of course, the gay-straight community is always welcoming newcomers.

Sense of Style: You wanna be a fine example of a douche? You gotta look good, but not gay. Examples to wear are Ed Hardy's, sunglasses, designer shirts, hats. Nothing flamboyant, but enough to let people know, hey, I got money, hey, fuck you!
Pubescent: Sorry, if you haven't gone through puberty, get the fuck out. Nobody wants to hear your squeaky ass voice. Fuck off.
Certain Amount of Toughness: You want to be know as "The Douche", asshole capable of self-defense, not the "Hey Everybody Come Beat Me Up Cause I'm Queer" kid.
You Have Access To Pussy: No puss, no dice. Hand in hand with access to pussy, the capability of getting multiple pussy.
Friends: If you don't have anybody to laugh with, you might as well be a douchebag (not douche)...
Can't Be Scared: Rhetorical question of the day: what's worse...a douche...or a poser of a douche?

If you got all of the above, please proceed to...

Tips: Straight From The Douche's Mouth

Tip # 1: Expand your vocabulary.
Why: Nobody wants to hear the same tired bullshit each and every time. Mix things up. Combine a few insults. I like to consult a thesaurus or a dictionary before hand to think of some great ones.
Tip #2: When in doubt, call someone a faggot.
Why: Nobody likes the word faggot. Even gay people don't like being called faggots even by other homos. At least black people like being called niggers...well, by other niggers.
Tip #3: Don't bring up anybody's momma.
Why: You're not a fucking sitcom or MTV show. You're insulting someone, not telling jokes. When you bring up someone's momma, you end up looking like a clown more than a douche. Remember what I said about douchebaggery being a serious art? Get your shit together, come on.
Tip #4: When you insult someone, say it proudly and confidently, without remorse.
Why: You sound/look/act like a fucking retard or a pussy otherwise. You want to be a douche. Grow a pair, you dick hydrant ass knot.
Tip #5: Be fast on the uptake. Think of a comeback within seconds during and after someone replies back.
Why: See explanation for Tip #4.
Tip #6: Back up your shit when you're being a douche.
Why: Unless you A. know kung fu, B. know a good plastic surgeon, C. are threatening in appearance, or D. all of the above, it is highly recommended for you not to be a douche. If you do not have any of the four options, I hope you are comfortable with a 3rd degree ass whupping. That would shut you up, probably, you shit trap. If you state that you are carrying a weapon, see explanation for Tip #4.
Tip #7: If they come at you, kick their ass, but don't overdo it.
Why: Understandably, in a fight people lose control and overdo it. Need I remind you, you are trying to be a douche, not Hulk Hogan. Just give him a taster or two and go back to calling him a dick head or a shit cavity. Repeat Tip #7 as many times as necessary. This will cause the douchee to yield to your antics.
Tip #8: Have a couple friends/family/witnesses present.
Why: You're not a douche if no one knows about it. You might as well jerk off in your closet or take it up the ass if no one is around. In fact, more often than not, douches are the life of the party.
Tip #9: Practice.
Why: Nobody is perfect in this art. Even I am constantly struggling to be better than I already am. You gotta practice, you stupid cocklick.
Tip #10: Know when to stop.
Why: If you overdo it, no matter how great of a douche you are, there will come a point where you can slowly dedouche yourself instead of crossing the "you're an annoying piece of shit, so your douchebag status is revoked." You don't want that, fuckweed.

After you got down all of that, finally, you must know the...

Ten Commandments of Being a Douche

1. I am not insecure about myself. If other people pressure me to do something, I tell them to fuck off and flip them off with the middle finger.
2. I am not only vulgar, but I am proud of it, and I will show this with evident swearing in my speech.
3. I will not try too hard to do anything except to break another person's self worth.
4. I am not trash. If I am trash I will be subject to #10 instantly.
5. I will not wear eyeliner because I am a douche and not a fag.
6. I will not take pictures of myself. Nor will I make homosexual looking faces in pictures.
7. I know not to wear too much cologne because nobody wants to smell that shit.
8. I am a man, and I will act like an average guy. Not some over masculine fuck but not a fairy. By far not a fairy, and definitely I am not a pussy.
9. I will beat the shit out of someone who disrespects me and afterwards humiliate them, although I will try to remember #8 in case I lose myself in anger.
10. I will be punched multiple times in the face by a Brother Douche if I fail to follow the previous 9. I also understand failure to obey the 10 Commandments I may be considered a douchebag (not a douche, they are two separate beings) or a faggot. Therefore in my path of being a douche I will live up to my name and not fuck up.

If you get punched in the face for failure, you fucking deserve it. Did you know in the Yakuza, they chop up your finger for failure? A black eye sounds good compared to a finger and it serves as a pleasant reminder that whatever you're doing, you suck at it. The previous nine are fucking easy, though.

You're probably wondering what is a Brother Douche? A brother douche is kind of like your wingman/ insurance policy for not being a douchebag. His job is to deliver swift and subtle punishment to you for failure. The best douches are never hit by a brother douche and so people fail to notice them. Real shit. I'll tell you I've punched so many people in the faces for failure, it wasn't pretty. Personally I haven't gotten a facepunch yet, needless to say, I haven't failed being a douche yet.

I hope you learned something you queer faced retarded shit. Fuck you and use these tips I've granted you with style. Now get at 'em, you dickfuck.