Shit Stories Vol. 2: Urinal Shit

On January 25, Shit Week 2010 begins. Get ready for five nights of the biggest, most shit-infested articles you've ever seen...

Jones (on the john): This is gonna be a big shit. AARRGH.

Herman Carson and guest columnist Jones Hewitt take you on an adventure across the (toilet) waters.

Herman (wiping his ass): Holy fucking damn it to hell shit on a stick fuck! Fu-fu-fu-fu-fu-fu-fu-fuck!

It all kicks off with an untamed, brand new Shit Story at 9 PM Pacific only on The Trash Blog.

I was doing my laps at the community pool one night, when a bunch of faggots hopped the fence to get in the Jacuzzi. These trash got drunk right away and were being annoying little bitches to everyone else in the pool that night. Those people, who were sick and tired of this shit, got up and out of the pool, showered, got changed in the restroom, and left within the span of 10 minutes. I, however, continued swimming my laps, but I became increasingly annoyed with these fucktards. I decided to give them a little going away present.

I knew the fuckers would have to change in the restroom at one point, so what's more despicable and repulsive then the sight and smell of shit? As I was showering, I thought about possible locations in the restroom where I should lay the bomb. I even considered the plight of the janitor. Should Pedro have to suffer cleaning my act of defiance against faux mental retards? Yes and no. There were greater stakes at risk. Take one for the team, Pedro, and these douchebags will get what they deserve. But you still have to throw away their beer cans. My duty is to make them blind and fuck up their senses of smell and taste. Not my job.

I pushed open the restroom door with my target selected. My shit could not be watered down in the toilet, for the smell would go to waste. My mission was to find a drain with an immediate water source for the sake of Pedro such as the sink...or the urinal. I stuck my ass into the urinal and groaned. I laid a sickly looking piece of shit. It was a very light brown and came out hot, lighting my ass on fire. This was diarrhea flavored without the dehydration. "Perfect," I thought. "That should make it worth their while."

Then it hit me. Like a speeding bus, like a fucking tsunami. Holy fucking damn it to hell shit on a stick fuck! My nostrils had never ever in their lives ever registered a scent like this. It was out of this world, alien shit or some shit. I full on barreled into the stalls, breaking the lock, and grabbed rolls and rolls of toilet paper. "Fu-fu-fu-fu-fu-fu-fu-fuck!" I could not wipe my ass clean for the life of me. The shit had stained my asshole yellow brown. I panicked. I thought I was going to die that night. I couldn't breath. The shit smell was so overwhelming I began to sweat and hyperventilate. I was running out of oxygen. But I was determined to survive this ordeal with a clean ass and not shit in my pants. After jamming 10 handfuls of paper up my ass and a dab of sink water, I finally got my ass clean. Without bothering to pull up my pants, I dived out of the restroom. I ripped those pants up and happily breathed in a relief of fresh, pure, unadulterated air.

I ran behind the bathroom and waited for the dumb shits to enter their doom. While I was waiting, I thought about what had just happened. I didn't know a shit could unleash so much power. There's a reason for toilet water other than flushing shit, and that's to keep the goddamn stank from killing us all. Shit out water is no laughing matter. I'm being really serious right now. You could die. Don't let this happen to you.

I heard the gay ass gangbangers walk into the restroom. I guess they had like T minus 1 second before they experienced excruciating pain. Perhaps they were in shock because I had time to run around back while they were yelling their heads off. "What the f? Oh my God, who the fuck shit in the urinal? Kill me now God! Please..." For good measure, I crushed a few bags of stink bomb and tossed them onto the restroom floor. I slammed the door shut and pulled on the door with all my strength, so they could not get out. They screamed and banged on the door. I laughed manically. They begged for their lives. I finally relented and hauled ass.