Shit Stories Vol. 3: Slide Shit

Summer days...seems like there's light out all day and the days are endless. That's because summer days are the longest in the year...nice. When night falls, it isn't uncomfortably cold out. Instead it's one of those hot August nights, which makes for an opportune bike ride 'round.

Me and my friend Ryan were tired of playing video games inside and wanted to get some fresh air. But we sure as hell didn't want to walk around. A quick bike ride for fun, and we would call it a night. We packed two cans of Pepsi, placing them in the cup holders on the bike frames. I checked the tire air pressures and pumped the slightly flat ones accordingly. All set to go.

We kicked off into the night. We circled the immediate community for a while, before stopping at the local park to take a break. We grabbed the Pepsis and walked toward the playground. I ran up a low slide onto the platform of a jungle gym. Ryan took the stairs. We popped open our Pepsis and took a drink. I sipped my Pepsi staring out into the black. It was dark except for some streetlights surrounding the park. I turned to face Ryan, who had already finished his soda and was crumpling the can. "Where's the fire?" I said. He laughed. We talked about stuff, reminisced, nothing too important, and if you wanted to know, you can go ahead and fuck off, because I don't remember what we talked about. I finished my can.

"You feel like taking a shit?" Ryan asked.

I just realized I was drinking a carbonated beverage. Shit and carbon dioxide don't mix as you should already know. This makes for a pipe bomb, and your intestines are the pipes. My stomach was full of gas. And it was pushing on my intestines, which were pushing on my rectum. "Fucking a, I need to shit," I declared. There were no restrooms in this park or nearby for that matter. We were too far away from my house. The shit had its head out by now. I would never make it back without shitting my pants first. "We're going to have to shit somewhere around here, but there's just grass around here. No trees, no bushes, nothing to shit behind," I observed.

"Hey, you know what would be hilarious?" Ryan questioned. "If we shat down these slides. There's a spiral slide. That would be really fucking fun. I mean as long as we're going to take a dump somewhere here, let's shit down the slides."

Why the hell not? Ryan took the spiral slide up top, which required another set of steep stairs since it was so high up. I took a long and narrow straight slide. I stuck my ass into the tunnel and grunted. Upstairs I heard a plop of shit hitting metal and a subsequent laugh. I looked over and saw a long turd circling its way down to the bottom. The shit didn't make it to the ground, however, since the end of the slide was completely horizontal for a couple feet. That doesn't bode well for the next object going down the slide I thought. Meanwhile, I was trying my damnest to get my shit out. The coke really had me going, so this was supposed to be cake. I clenched my ass and cut the shit loose. The impact made a satisfying sound. I looked over my shoulder as the turd slid with speed towards the bottom of the slide. It fell apart on the way down. Some ended up on the slide still, while some made it to the tanbark. That shit was rock hard. No smudges or smears. No smell because essentially the shit cleared the vicinity right away. I didn't want to inspect its color or texture if it wasn't in my peripheral. Sometimes you have to let it go.

I once again looked over to see what Ryan was doing. He was done and was now standing up, pissing down the slide. The stream emptied out at the bottom uneventfully. Just one turd for me this time. I average two most of the time. Remaining in the squatting position, I relaxed my bladder. Fuck, bad idea. The hot ass yellow urine bounced off the slanted slide and was splashing all over the fucking place. I tried to slow down the stream. It's so difficult to make it stop. It feels so good to piss, and it hurts to get it to stop. I tried to move too since I couldn't get it to slow down enough to a point it would stop getting on me. I slipped. I had placed my left foot on the slide, which was now slippery because of the liquid. The force threw me forward down the slide. I was such in shock at my misfortune, the stream of piss was cut at once. My right foot was dragged and landed on the slide now. At this point I was sideways. Without thinking, I skateboarded/snowboarded down the slide to about midway, and then using the strength of my thighs, I extended my legs and jumped from a height of maybe three or four feet. Nevertheless, it was cool as I touchdowned smoothly.

I finished my piss on the the playground, spraying it across the structure. I looked at the bottoms of my shoes and saw that they were wet. I couldn't tell if there was shit on them because it was too dark. Just to be safe, I lifted my shoe onto the drinking fountain and rinsed them. I finished cleaning by wiping them on the grass. No harm done.

To this day, me and Ryan just can help but laugh at this memory, since it was so fucking ridiculous. We thought about people's reactions, kids or adults, when they discovered the feces, and how repulsed they would be. What kind of sicko would do such a thing to innocent children? Shit is shit and doesn't belong anywhere near us. By the time they got some poor fool to clean the shit up and deem the playground sanitary again, it would be too late. Kids had already slid down the dried up shit and piss slides. And we didn't just do it this one time. We had so much fun, we did it a few more times. It was a thrill ride. If you landed in our piles of human shit, then you deserve it, you trash.

And that's Shit Week 2010 for ya. We here at Trash Blog sincerely hope that you enjoyed reading shit 24/5. Good night and good shit.